It’s Okay to Not be Okay

It has been a while!! I have made an intentional decision in my life to step away from social media for multiple reasons. Unfollowing people who I have found don’t uplift me and spending SO much less time on social media in general has been the best thing that I could have done for ME. I was thinking of deleting my accounts altogether when I got the impression that I needed to share some thoughts with the very few who actually read this kinda stuff. So if you’re reading this and it somehow impacts you in one way or another, I guess that’s why I am back here.

As some of you know I now nanny part time for this ADORABLE family’s. It honestly is such a blessing and privilege to work with them. They have a perfectly chunky new born, an active and ever creative 4 year old, and a determined and independent 7 year old. With my just barely 5 month old, it makes for some crazy days to say the least. All was going well until my lil guy was going through a growth spurt and waking up every two hours. Now looking back, the lack of sleep is what lead me to have a rocky few weeks. Since I work 8-10 hour days and wanted to be sure that both babies were fed, changed, happy or sleeping, and the 4 year old was being entertained by a game or building or creating something and feeding kids, I wouldn’t make time to eat throughout the day. So now that I am low on sleep and low on nutrition, I start to feel myself slipping.

As a Behavioral Science graduate and past employee of crisis centers, I have seen first hand the importance of mental health and what it looks like. I check in everyday to make sure I am okay. The stress of crying baby, and the chaos of the long days, I finally admitted I wasn’t okay. My husband said that he missed me. I missed our relationship. I became hostile and angry.  Even though this was a two week span, it felt like forever.

My angel mother gave me the best advice out there and I guess this is why I am writing this for you. Whether you are needing it personally, or you know someone going through excessive stress. A mother, grad student, someone going through financial crisis, toxic work environment, etc. this all applies.

SNOWBALL

Sleep. Now if you were like me, with a baby going through a growth spurt and thinking HA! Good one, this is the most important. It took me being vulnerable enough to ASK FOR HELP from my wonderful neighbors to simply come over for a little bit, watch the other kids and maintain the crazy, while I take a nap during the day. {you know who you are and THANK YOU}

Nutrition. Eat. On the hard days- the goal is to eat ANYTHING. But it is important to fuel your body and mind to ensure optimal functioning. The difference of ensuring I eat every meal and have snacks as needed was such a GAME CHANGER.

Omega 3. Since I was going through a time that simply cooking seemed overwhelming I couldn’t commit to making salmon and other great fish throughout the week. So I am now taking Fish Oil supplements and it is great.

Walks. The simple act of getting outside and moving is AMAZING. I live in Utah and the leaves are changing getting ready for fall and it is BEAUTIFUL!

Baby Breaks. I genuinely love being a mother and I HAVE THE CUTEST LIL KID. I felt guilty for wanting a break because only those who don’t like being a mom need a break, right? WEONG! In order to be the best mother, I need to have a break. Going to the gym by myself at least 4 times a week, going out and about- and such, has been relieving.

Adult Time. Those with cute babies know that those babies become the center of attention, every conversation, and complete strangers will approach you and drool over the baby. I love that so many people love on this lil kid! I also noticed a since of my identity slipping ever so slightly and that scared me. Making sure I am having meaningful conversations and doing things I love, with friends and family, without the perfect baby in the middle is important. There should be a balance between the two. :)

Liquids. I know I know. When I had mastitis, or the flu, and exclusively breastfeeding, asking the doctor what I can take and they say ‘rest and lots of water.’ No, I don’t think you understand MY INSIDES WANT TO BE ON THE OUTSIDE. I am slowly dying. Water is not going to cut it. In all honesty though, for general health and getting the brain back to a healthy state, drinking enough water really does make a significant difference.

Laughter. Having a lil newborn for me was pretty stressful. The oxygen at home and having no idea what I was doing. Or recently taking a job of taking care of more children and just trying my very best and feeling like I fell short everyday, it wasn’t until out on a date with my husband, it was just us two, and i was laughing so hard. I said out loud- wow! I needed this. I can’t remmeber the last time I laughed this hard. LAUGHTER IS NECESSARY!! This is why I watch videos made by Tiffany Jenkins and have a husband I can laugh with everyday.

Now with all this said, I fully understand that people experience disorders that need medical and professional attention in order to progress. The brain is an organ and if there is a chemical imbalance, please seek the professional help necessary for you to live your best life with your loved ones! These are just simple steps to help but in no way cure or diagnose or anything if that sort.

MIND BODY SPIRIT.
They are all one. When in a deep darkness and feeling too busy or too stressed or too exhausted to feel the spirit, it is easy to feel like you are too far from god and not ‘worthy’ enough to feel the spirit.

A Mother's Love

There is a common saying, "A Mother's Love" that floats around, but what does it really mean?

This weekend we went to a fun show that the whole family enjoyed. Our lil baby was so mesmerized by the lights and sounds that he was fixated on the people performing the entire time. It was absolutely adorable. Now rewind a few weeks ago to fourth of July. I chose not to go to the big long firework shows up close since we don't have those earmuffs for babies yet, so we chose to see them from our apartment in Traverse Mountain. When our lil one was born, he was given antibiotics via IV that can cause hearing loss. After a week, they did a test and his hearing was good. However, I was told to watch for signs and be cautious and we will need him screened again in the future.

After leaving this show, I was so worried that it was too loud and caused damage to his ears. The natural feelings of I was too selfish and I need to pay more attention to this sweet baby that God has trusted with me overcame me. That night I poured out my heart and soul in prayer. I know this circumstance may seem oh so insignificant, but God took the time to answer my prayers. I reflected on a time when I was 7 years old I had a tumor in my ear. Without going into detail and making light of sacred things, it was all taken care of without any hearing loss whatsoever which was absolutely astonishing to the doctors. I reflected on that day and pleaded that a miracle can happen with my son's ears. God has blessed me with mine and I know he could work a miracle. And then I realized, I would give up my hearing if that meant my son could live his life without suffering from MY mistakes IN. A. HEARTBEAT.

In that moment, that's when I realized what "A Mother's Love" actually means. It means I would do ANYTHING to have you be healthy and thriving. I would make any sacrifice necessary to provide for you and a life of comfort and opportunity.

So here's to all mothers out there. Those nights of worry and concern and fatigue and feelings of inadequacy and love seem to much to bear, God is ever mindful of you and you are doing a terrific job!

EMBRACE why you're different and bless the world because of it!

Social media. Yes, it is a powerful tool to spread goodness to the whole world. www (WORLD WIDE WEB) is remarkable. Inspiring and uplifting messages are shared from one end of the world to another in a matter of seconds. Along with the good, comes the negative. I have noticed that my subconscious mind started comparing my life with others .

  "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others---usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2011).

 The more that I scroll, the more that I feel this heavy anxiety fill me. AND HERE IS THE THING! I would consciously tell myself that it is absolutely ridiculous to compare myself because these are picture perfect moments. HOWEVER. Our subconscious brain is heavily influenced by the images we see and the heavy weight was coming from a reaction to that. Even if we are fully educated on the effects of social media and have a perfect knowledge of the brain and it's systems, we STILL get influenced by it! 

So today I say BE COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. Let us CELEBRATE our good efforts! Let us REJOICE in today.  Really. Try this.... think about what you absolutely LOVE about your life. What comes to mind? Family? Friends? Food? Where you live? Your work? Hobbies? Pass times? Sights? Skills? Stores? Your attitude? Your laugh/smile/sense of humor? Your plans for the future? 

Don't wait until you are on a glamorous vacation, have a good hair day, have a perfectly clean home...etc. Look at your life TODAY and see what you love about it. One of my greatest examples for optimism and pure positivity is Gordon B. Hinkley. Anyone who remembers him or had the chance to personally know him, understands his incredible level of happiness and JOY. 

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey---delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

 -Gordon B. Hinkley, 1984). 

At first, that seems SHOCKING coming from such an optimist! Just lower your expectations and SETTLE? NO WAY!!! 

But then I realize, that in what may seem like the mundane... THANK THE LORD FOR LETTING YOU HAVE THE RIDE. What a blessing this life truly is! So let us not wait until graduation, that job promotion, finally having a successful relationship, when kids come, when a home is bought, when those items on your bucket list are finally marked off. Let us celebrate and be grateful TODAY. 

There are many that say they are JUST going to school and working. They are JUST stay at home moms. They are JUST starting their own business. THESE ARE INCREDIBLE! Yes, there are stresses in everyday, but look for what you love most about it and lean into your passion about what you do! 

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We each have something beautiful about us that makes us unique. Talents, skills, passions, dreams, visions. Here on the world wide web, we see a lot of travel, fitness, self-care, photography, scrap booking, writing, acting, and holistic living experts making blogs and posting videos. It made me think ...... what is something that makes me unique and what is it that I have to offer? 

Yes, I thoroughly enjoy traveling and deeply connecting with others around the globe. My time spent with my family in South American and African countries are cherished memories and I am looking forward to bringing my sweet son to places so near and dear to my heart. In our home, we are teaching him different languages, a sincere love for learning, and an open mind to other's views and lifestyles. {Granted, he is two months old.... 😊 ..... As we grows, I hope he absorbs} 

Yes, I love fitness and self-care. Fitness is the way my brain and body just FEEL good and healthy. I have learned through experience that there is very little you can do without health. I am a strong advocate for moving your body everyday and progressing towards strength. Most importantly, it has NOTHING to do with the numbers on the scale, or HOW your body looks. It has EVERYTHING to do with how you feel! I HATE it when I hear comments like, "You look so good, you look so skinny!" "Have you lost weight? You look amazing!" It is so important to have a positive body image EVERY step of the way on the journey. A positive body image will greatly influence all those around you and build a steady confidence within you. 

Self-care is SO important. Self-care looks different on different days. Sometimes it is taking a long, hot shower {I am thoroughly convinced long hot showers are SACRED. At another time, I may have to share my experience taking a hot shower in Swaziland. Let's just say it was a spiritual experience 😂} Sometimes it is sitting down, paying those bills, and making a spending plan (I HATE the word budget. For me it is like DIET. Sounds very restricting and I already feel guilty about spending money or eating a treat.) for next month to release the stress that has come from finances. Sometimes it is making time out of your week to study for that test you have been procrastinating. Sometimes it is completely UNPLUGGING for a day. Sometimes it is calling a family member you haven't connected with for a while. Sometimes it is going on a walk outside. Sometimes it is eating chocolate and watching a movie. Sometimes it is reading a book. Everyday is different and presents us with different needs. 

However, I don't consider myself an expert in any of this topics, nor would I like to be since there are already so many of them out there. 

So I come back to the basics. What is my nitch? What makes me want to create this space? What is it that I want to focus on as I share my innermost thoughts with the world wide web? (Such a vulnerable thought, am I right?) 

Well, I named this blog 🌟 SHINE ON 🌟  for a reason. I want this to be a space of positivity, authenticity, and to invite optimism in our lives. I want this to show what I love most, which would be God and His son, Jesus Christ, and my family. This is the source of light in my life, and if I can share but a sliver of that light with others, I would feel this space was worthwhile. As I continue to learn, grow, and progress in my life, I strive to share all that is GOOD. 

So I suppose this is a friendly reminder for the users of the world wide web. It is nice to take a break from the fake, but since we end up here for one reason or another, REMEMBER what positive traits and unique abilities YOU have to offer. We are all different by divine design! God made us different shapes, sizes, color, talents, passions, views, and with different desires for a reason. EMBRACE the reason that makes you individually unique and bless the world because of it! 

Living INTENTIONALLY

(Thank you to my new friend Meg Miles for inspiring this post.)

Giving birth is quite honestly the most incredible and all encompassing experience I have thus gone through! It has stretched me in all the good ways and I am endlessly grateful for the sacred privilege it has been.

I have seen myself slip in the important things and I realized I need to live life more intentionally! Here are some simple things I have found that have helped me take control over my happiness and the peace that is in my life!


Prayer  

My sweet baby wakes up around 6:00 a.m. to eat, and after I feed him, I generally go back to sleep grudgingly that I *felt* like I was up all night. However, TODAY I decided to put him back to sleep and get on my knees and start my day with prayer. It's not like I have stopped praying, but since my daily routine has felt out of wack, I haven't STARTED my day with prayer. Expressing my gratitude to my Father in Heaven, conversing with Him about everything that I am feeling and experiencing, and seeking His guidance and counsel for the day that is ahead of me helped lift my spirits and got me excited to face the day head on!


Positive Affirmations 

While I was pregnant, my husband and I took a birthing class (which was AMAZING.) This class not only prepared me to labor unmedicated, but it introduced positive practices to do in our everyday life. One was positive affirmations. I would repeat positive affirmations about birth, my body, and my baby multiple times a day and have them posted around our apartment. I saw how powerful our minds are and that these positive affirmations were a game changer. So I decided to make positive affirmations for the stage of life I am in right now. I have them written down and posted around our apartment just like my positive affirmations preparing for birth. Mine today say, "I am confident and competent." There have been many times when handling with my baby's oxygen that I don't feel like I know what I am doing. However, I am his mom! I can do this! I have another that says, "I am loved and appreciated." Inviting the power of positivity in my life and mind space has been empowering.

Self Care 

I then showered! This may not seem like a big deal, but what a blessing it is do be able to shower. (New moms... am I right?!) Warm water is healing to my soul.

After a simple shower, I cooked a quick and nutritious breakfast. Once again, something so small. But if you are like me and literally had Top Ramen for breakfast yesterday..... 
you know what a difference this makes! Scrambled eggs with artisan bread. It takes a matter of minutes and my body and mind could feel a difference. (And while breastfeeding, it is SO important to get all the goods in for the goods to come out, right?)


Spiritually Fed 

 During this breakfast, reading a general conference talk was like feasting on spiritual food. I have put on general conference talks in the background of my day, but I hadn't sat down to truly study one for the past little bit. An invitation from our prophet says, "I exhort you to study the messages of this conference frequently- even repeatedly- during the next six months." -Pres. Russell M. Nelson April 2018.

Get Outside and Get Movin'! 

I then had a window of 15 minutes that my husband could be with the baby before needing to get ready for work. I am 3 weeks postpartum, and though I feel great, I am waiting to get cleared from my doctor to exercise. So I went on a walk this morning. Now, once again, this may seem small. But since my little one is on oxygen, we only use his portable oxygen tanks for doctor's appointments, so I haven't been out and about much! (Or..... at all!) We live in a beautiful neighborhood in the mountains, and feeling the peace and calm that comes with a spring morning was stunning. The birds were chirping, the sun was rising, and it just felt good to be in awe at God's creations.

{No I did not take this photo. Yes this is off google. :)  }

And that's it! I feel energized and rejuvenated on a whole new level!
What things do YOU enjoy doing to invite positivity and gratitude in your life?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day 

{I had a feeling I could not deny that I needed to write, however, my thoughts are so jumbled and seemingly not connected whatsoever.}


I find it difficult to muster all the beautiful and sacred emotions I am feeling along with postpartum hormones. This truly has been such an amazing two weeks and for the first time in a while, I am at a loss of words to adequately express how I feel. Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of love I feel for my sweet newborn son.

I don't want this post to turn into my son's birth story for a variety of reasons. I am totally and completely passionate about birth and pregnancy and motherhood- I just haven't found a way to best express our experience. Since my previous posts were so much about my pregnancy, and I have had so many ask, here is a little bit about how the birth went.

 I am grateful I experienced ALL kinds of birth on his birthday. I was medically induced due to having an 'unfavorable cervix' and a less than optimal heart rate for our baby a couple days after my 41 week mark. I then labored for 11 hours unmedicated which was the most empowering and incredible experience! I absolutely LOVED labor. My husband's counter pressure, the jacuzzi in the hospital, my birthing ball, and encouraging words from my nurse made my experience magical. It was not painful, it was very BIG and powerful. After pushing for two hours, Atticus' heart rate dropped and it was quickly decided to have an emergency c-section to get him here safely. I won't go into details for any part of this journey here at this time, but if you have ANY questions about Pitocin, going unmedicated (without any medicine to administer pain relief.. which was honestly incredible!!) or c-section, I am here to offer what I have experienced and learned along the way.

We all like having answers. My sweet baby is still on oxygen and we all would like to know why. The nurses say it was because his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he is still recovering from the trauma of both going through labor and a c-section. However, my doctor said about 25% of babies he delivers, the cord is wrapped around their necks, they are able to deliver vaginally, and do not need oxygen afterwards. They did every test and lab you can think of in our time in the special care nursery (a small hospital's version of the NICU.) Everything came back looking completely normal. My doctor thinks it could have been a mix between my baby's fairly large head and my pelvis.

Either way- I have come to a peace of not knowing exactly why things are the way they are. Today, I would like to celebrate what we do know!

I know that being a mother has softened and stretched my heart. I know that our sweet son is a miracle and a blessing to have in our family. I know that the family is ordained of God and that through His plan, we can be together forever! I know that my gratitude and appreciation for my mother has grown beyond leaps and bounds. Motherhood truly is the most rewarding job I have ever had. Instead of working 40 hours a week, I now work 168 hours a week for the absolute best reason.

I would like to celebrate ALL women. Because Mother's Day is for ALL women. When Adam was in the Garden of Eden, he called the woman Eve because she was the mother of ALL living. But Eve was not a mom when he said that. She had never given birth nor taken care of a child before! For this cause, I know that ALL women are to be cherished and celebrated as we offer a unique and beautiful contributions to this world.

So here is a celebration and dedication to the women in my life who have positively influenced me and lifted me to become who I am today.

My mother. Mom is the first to celebrate my joys, grieve with me in my moments of sorrow, and offer to hang out with me for all the in-betweens. She has always been my number one support and cheerleader. In everything. From dance recitals, dating (yes, she was always VERY involved in my love life, even ask my husband ;) performances, stressful days at college, rejection letters, acceptance letters, etc. She always wanted to be sure opportunities were available to me. She was willing to work hard to offer me a full life. She is an incredibly compassionate and experienced nurse who has blessed so many different families. She truly is a warrior. She has faced many challenges with her health over the years like a champion and has never lost her spunk through it all. I love her and I honor her. Thank you mom for everything you continually do for me!

The Gift of Perspective

All a Matter of Perspective

I wanted to give a quick update on here!

First and foremost.

 Our sweet Atticus may just grow to be an acrobatic gymnast! After we found out he was breech, we did all things medically and naturally to flip him, and he didn't budge! However, at my 39 week ultrasound, the lil dude flipped on his own and is now head down! HALLELUJAH.

I learned two lessons in this process. One: HE is in charge. We are doing things on HIS time table and the way the HE wants them to be done. Two: I hope to never pressure my children to do something when they don't feel ready or prepared to do so just because I think it is a good time. The natural thoughts of... COME ON. Only 3% of babies are breech at this point of pregnancy! Why can't you be like other babies? Kay.. really? How easy is it to think... COME ON. Everyone else in your pre-school class is speaking clearly and is writing their name, WHY NOT YOU. Everyone else is learning to read just fine. Everyone else can kick the soccer ball well. Everyone else has already lost a baby tooth! .....
and so on and so on. I want to guide and lead my children to find their passions, but not give them unnecessary pressure when they are simply not ready.

So! No more planning a c-section. Crazy to think that if he was still breech, we would have a week and a half old in our arms today. WHAT. I am so happy things have turned out the way they have.

So fast forward a couple of weeks, and Luke and I moved! We absolutely LOVE our new place. Luke offered a very special dedicatory prayer on our apartment and I truly feel this is our home and this is where Atticus will come and finally be a part of our family.

One evening I had a proper meltdown. The reality of EVERYTHING was sinking in. The reality that our relationship, which I cherish more than ANYTHING,will never quite be the same. The reality that my level of exhaustion and sleep deprivation will be more than I have ever known before. The reality of healing after the birth (and at this point, I don't know exactly what kind of birth it will be, but ALL include some kind of healing). The reality that I am going to be responsible for a child. I will need to know what to do at the right times (make sure he is breathing, eating, pooping, peeing, etc. normally.) All at once, I felt completely overwhelmed. While Luke tried to console my tears, at 11:30 p.m., he told me to get in the car. I was a little confused, but when he boldly makes a suggestion, I have learned to simply go along.

We drove about one minute away from our apartment to a BEAUTIFUL view of Utah County. There, we sat in silence, in awe, at the beauty of the scene before us. My tears started to calm down. I could feel just how concerned he was for me and my worried heart. He proceeded to eloquently tell me that God created the sun so that we could have light. However, he also inspired Thomas Edison to create the light bulb. Thanks for that inspiration, we have light even at the darkest time of the night. And it brings us beauty and joy! The same goes for our lives. We have been given resources to feel His light and joy, however, He has also given us the power to CREATE joy. We can feel light at our darkest moments in our lives through Him. We can create a wonderful life. Will it be hard? Of course it will be! Will we be tested beyond what we feel we are capable of doing? You bet! But we are going to be in it TOGETHER and we have God on our side.

*sigh* Literally.. how did I get such a wonderful man? He teaches me the simple truths of the gospel every single day and I love him immensely. He, in all honesty, is the sunshine of my life.

For the past week, I have tried EVERY SINGLE natural labor induction process you can think of. We have had a lot of fun with some of the things, and I felt confident I would make progress, seeing that I would love to go into labor on my own, to avoid unnecessary medical interventions possible!

This morning I emotionally prepared to have the membrane sweep just to help things move along without medication. I listened to relaxation tracks on the the way and Luke gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing of comfort. While he was giving me that blessing, the Spirit filled out apartment and I felt peace.

Well, here I am at 41 weeks and I just found out that my cervix is completely shut still! 0. Not even 0.5 dilated. Which means the membrane sweep wasn't even possible and that it was time to seriously talk about our next step. Our lil babies head has lowered significantly and is engaging, but no softening of the cervix. My first response was simply laughing. Like... REALLY? Really? Are you sure? And I felt completely OKAY with that outcome. No frustration. Now THAT is divine intervention at work. I know God helped me feel okay and be able to laugh in that moment.

Luke & I sat down with my INCREDIBLE doctor to talk about our options. He is kind and sensitive to my desires, he has decades of experience in this field, and he wants what is best for me and my baby. After deeply discussing pros and cons, the current situation of our baby and how he will continue to grow bigger and bigger, we scheduled an induction just before I hit my 42 week mark.

At first, this sounded completely awful. Pitocin creates HUGE, long, painful, and no break in between contractions that would make it nearly impossible to labor without an epidural. They are so big, it can cause distress on the baby. However, this option is FAR better than having him be in distress and my body not naturally progressing either.

We will just find out how his birthday turns out. But what I have learned is that NO MATTER WHAT it will be a sacred, positive, and joyous reunion with our son. It has already been such a wonderful and crazy journey!

And birth is but a small moment in the life of our sweet Atticus. He has a whole life ahead of him and I am looking forward to being his mother. Preparing for him has been such a joy!

I am thankful he is cozy in there so we have had the time to settle in and prepare for him just a little bit more. And my heart couldn't be happier to be able to fully nest. ;)

We decided to have an African Safari for his nursery. When Luke and I were preparing for our international internship in Africa, we wanted that experience to be a foundation stone of love and service for our family. We desire to have our children know and love different cultures and people from all around the globe and to deeply understand the importance of loving and serving their fellow brethren. While we were there in Africa, we felt the importance of family and received many answers about timing to start our own. :)

So in short, remember PERSPECTIVE. Remember that everything does in fact work out. And that God is on our side!

Plans Change

Oh how humbling is it when plans change. 

My husband encouraged me to write TODAY while I am experiencing some hard emotions because this post invites authenticity as well as will help me cope and process. This is to show that when plans change, it CAN be okay. And if something is okay, that doesn't make it any easier. We don't need to slap a smile on our faces when going through trials and challenges, but to maintain a sense of hope and an internal joy that we have Christ, our Savior, with us. He knows us. He loves us. And we celebrate HIM this Easter season. Now, this is my journey. I know everyone's circumstance is different and unique. Some trials may seem 'harder' than others. However, I don't believe in comparing trials nor saying 'at least you have...' when someone is experiencing grief. So this is a little bit of how my last two days have gone. 

{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}

I have enjoyed this pregnancy for SO many different reasons. While taking an empowering birthing class with my sweet husband, we have been excited and motivated to prepare for our son's birthday. We have learned how birth can be a positive experience and how beautiful it really is! Our whole perspective has changed and it has been AMAZING. 

I have learned useful breathing techniques for every stage of labor, met with women who have given birth with peace and serenity (and some of these women gave birth to 10 pound babies, no medication, no tearing, no medical intervention). Learning from them, preparing my body/spirit/mind, doing pelvic floor exercises daily, practicing hypnosis and breathing exercises every day has been such an incredible journey. Something that this journey has taught me is to greet each change in my birth journey with optimism and confidence and that my baby and I will work together to have a healthy and safe outcome. I have learned the importance of loving and respecting my growing body. I have learned the power of our mind and the way we perceive pain and discomfort. I have learned the POWER from repeating positive and confident affirmations every single day! I have become a better version of myself throughout this pregnancy. 

He has been in optimal birthing position this whole pregnancy. Of course he is a big healthy boy! My instructor, who has blessed our lives in so many different ways, had a peaceful unmedicated birth with her 10 pound son, let me know that we grow babies the same. We like those big healthy babies! (I was 9.5 pounds, my husband was 10 pounds. Right now, our son is in the 97th percentile for his head) My body created this baby, and my body knows exactly how to birth him gently. IT IS AMAZING. Our cervix and vagina dilate to the optimal size for our babies. And if we learn and train our minds to allow our pelvic floor to COMPLETELY relax, tearing doesn't have to be a normal thing. 

It has been so fun preparing with my husband- he is going to be such an amazing birthing partner! He has learned these amazing techniques on how to relax and put pressure on certain points and muscles on my body during labor. He is faithful and motivated to be the best that he can be! We read together and practice together as we imagine what our lives are going to be like with a son. This has been such a beautiful bonding experience for us and I am SO grateful for him! We have worked together with my incredible doctor to create the optimal birthing situation. We toured the hospital and went to their room where they have unmedicated births. This is where they have the tub with candles in there, dim lights, birthing ball, and the comforts of creating a peaceful atmosphere. The nurses were so happy that we were planning an unmedicated birth since that has been proven to show the best benefits for mom and baby! 

{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}

Then, things started to change. Yesterday, in our last ultra sound, we found out our baby completely flipped and is now breech. My doctor was extremely sensitive in talking about options since this whole pregnancy we have talked about how excited we were to go unmedicated and how beneficial that will be for the baby. My mind went through a whirlwind and I just felt like my world has been rocked. I am not fixated on having an unmedicated birth, I just want a healthy baby and I want to be healthy enough to care for him and bond with him. I have done extensive research and classes to learn the benefits. 

First thing this morning, we went to labor and delivery and my wonderful doctor performed a ECV to attempt to flip him so I could deliver vaginally. It was quite an intense procedure! I am SO grateful I have been practicing breathing and relaxation, because that came VERY handy. He tried flipping him multiple times in different directions, however, my baby's little bum is quite cozy in my pelvis. He said that this  procedure was larger than ANY contraction during labor and a c-section can't even compare to that procedure so that learning how to breathe through discomfort is crucial! 

As we were weighing our options and discussing together, looking at the risks and benefits of both sides, I started to feel emotional. I really just want what is best for our son. I NEVER wanted to plan his birth date since I strongly believe that babies come when they are ready and we need to let labor happen on it's own. As humbling as it was, we are now scheduling a c-section. Two different sides of the spectrum. Planning for a serene birth, being completely alert and active during my birth to major surgery. 

I have felt a lot of different emotions today. Sadness. Relief that our baby is still okay. Hopeful. Exhausted. Nervous. 

I have been humbled to think of the reason we are celebrating this week. Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, MY Savior and Redeemer, knows what I am feeling and knows how to comfort me. I testify that Christ knows me. He knows you. Come to Him. He won't necessarily take away your trials- especially if He knows they will make you stronger. But he will be there for you, build your strength, help you become more compassionate, and comfort you. 

God is good... ALL the time. Even when life takes unexpected turns, we can still feel peace and optimism.