Plans Change

Oh how humbling is it when plans change. 

My husband encouraged me to write TODAY while I am experiencing some hard emotions because this post invites authenticity as well as will help me cope and process. This is to show that when plans change, it CAN be okay. And if something is okay, that doesn't make it any easier. We don't need to slap a smile on our faces when going through trials and challenges, but to maintain a sense of hope and an internal joy that we have Christ, our Savior, with us. He knows us. He loves us. And we celebrate HIM this Easter season. Now, this is my journey. I know everyone's circumstance is different and unique. Some trials may seem 'harder' than others. However, I don't believe in comparing trials nor saying 'at least you have...' when someone is experiencing grief. So this is a little bit of how my last two days have gone. 

{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}

I have enjoyed this pregnancy for SO many different reasons. While taking an empowering birthing class with my sweet husband, we have been excited and motivated to prepare for our son's birthday. We have learned how birth can be a positive experience and how beautiful it really is! Our whole perspective has changed and it has been AMAZING. 

I have learned useful breathing techniques for every stage of labor, met with women who have given birth with peace and serenity (and some of these women gave birth to 10 pound babies, no medication, no tearing, no medical intervention). Learning from them, preparing my body/spirit/mind, doing pelvic floor exercises daily, practicing hypnosis and breathing exercises every day has been such an incredible journey. Something that this journey has taught me is to greet each change in my birth journey with optimism and confidence and that my baby and I will work together to have a healthy and safe outcome. I have learned the importance of loving and respecting my growing body. I have learned the power of our mind and the way we perceive pain and discomfort. I have learned the POWER from repeating positive and confident affirmations every single day! I have become a better version of myself throughout this pregnancy. 

He has been in optimal birthing position this whole pregnancy. Of course he is a big healthy boy! My instructor, who has blessed our lives in so many different ways, had a peaceful unmedicated birth with her 10 pound son, let me know that we grow babies the same. We like those big healthy babies! (I was 9.5 pounds, my husband was 10 pounds. Right now, our son is in the 97th percentile for his head) My body created this baby, and my body knows exactly how to birth him gently. IT IS AMAZING. Our cervix and vagina dilate to the optimal size for our babies. And if we learn and train our minds to allow our pelvic floor to COMPLETELY relax, tearing doesn't have to be a normal thing. 

It has been so fun preparing with my husband- he is going to be such an amazing birthing partner! He has learned these amazing techniques on how to relax and put pressure on certain points and muscles on my body during labor. He is faithful and motivated to be the best that he can be! We read together and practice together as we imagine what our lives are going to be like with a son. This has been such a beautiful bonding experience for us and I am SO grateful for him! We have worked together with my incredible doctor to create the optimal birthing situation. We toured the hospital and went to their room where they have unmedicated births. This is where they have the tub with candles in there, dim lights, birthing ball, and the comforts of creating a peaceful atmosphere. The nurses were so happy that we were planning an unmedicated birth since that has been proven to show the best benefits for mom and baby! 

{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}

Then, things started to change. Yesterday, in our last ultra sound, we found out our baby completely flipped and is now breech. My doctor was extremely sensitive in talking about options since this whole pregnancy we have talked about how excited we were to go unmedicated and how beneficial that will be for the baby. My mind went through a whirlwind and I just felt like my world has been rocked. I am not fixated on having an unmedicated birth, I just want a healthy baby and I want to be healthy enough to care for him and bond with him. I have done extensive research and classes to learn the benefits. 

First thing this morning, we went to labor and delivery and my wonderful doctor performed a ECV to attempt to flip him so I could deliver vaginally. It was quite an intense procedure! I am SO grateful I have been practicing breathing and relaxation, because that came VERY handy. He tried flipping him multiple times in different directions, however, my baby's little bum is quite cozy in my pelvis. He said that this  procedure was larger than ANY contraction during labor and a c-section can't even compare to that procedure so that learning how to breathe through discomfort is crucial! 

As we were weighing our options and discussing together, looking at the risks and benefits of both sides, I started to feel emotional. I really just want what is best for our son. I NEVER wanted to plan his birth date since I strongly believe that babies come when they are ready and we need to let labor happen on it's own. As humbling as it was, we are now scheduling a c-section. Two different sides of the spectrum. Planning for a serene birth, being completely alert and active during my birth to major surgery. 

I have felt a lot of different emotions today. Sadness. Relief that our baby is still okay. Hopeful. Exhausted. Nervous. 

I have been humbled to think of the reason we are celebrating this week. Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, MY Savior and Redeemer, knows what I am feeling and knows how to comfort me. I testify that Christ knows me. He knows you. Come to Him. He won't necessarily take away your trials- especially if He knows they will make you stronger. But he will be there for you, build your strength, help you become more compassionate, and comfort you. 

God is good... ALL the time. Even when life takes unexpected turns, we can still feel peace and optimism. 

Power of the Present

Have you ever experienced those small but significant feelings as if you just took a deep breath. That you allowed yourself a short minute to look around you and think to yourself, "God is good!"

Last night I was at the Maverik, standing by my car alone as it was filling up. The last three times I have done so at night, I have been approached by a homeless man, a man smoking, and another man asking me for money. Naturally, I was just aware of my surroundings. Last night, a man approached me while I was standing there waiting for my car to fill up. He asked if it was okay that he gets the garbage, he was an employee! He then said, "Do you mind me asking how far along you are?" Have you ever had that humbling feeling that you judged someone incorrectly? Man oh man. I thought, oh how nice! I told him that he could be here in just a few weeks! He genuinely expressed excitement for me and encouraged me to live in the moment. His youngest is now seven years old and he said how much he misses when she was a baby. He wished me well and we parted ways. I then thought, what am I doing to intentionally live TODAY and enjoy every moment that it offers?

I am so excited for General Conference! There are so many reasons that my heart rejoices for conference. I feel the power that millions of people from all over the world, in MANY different languages, are gathering together at the same time. I feel the power and the truth that comes from the guidance and counsel from our leaders. I feel empowered to PREPARE for conference, so I become more spiritually in tune so I can be in a place to RECEIVE His word. There are many joyous reunions as it feels like the world comes to Salt Lake City (naturally, mission reunions are fun), and with those that traveled from far to come to Salt Lake City. As I have been preparing for this great weekend, my husband and I attended the temple together yesterday. I wish words could describe the serene PEACE and JOY I felt while serving in His holy house. I never felt closer to Him, my son who we are so close to meeting, and my sweet husband. It was then that I realized that Christ is the greatest source of peace. I have made meditation and mindfulness a part of my daily routine for the past few months and it has been AMAZING. I have felt more calm, peaceful, and in tune with my body's instincts in preparation for birth. I then made the connection that those practices are good and beneficial for physical and mental health, however it is also CRUCIAL to recognize the Prince of PEACE if Jesus Christ. The benefits of reading scriptures, listening to general conference, serving others, praying, keeping the commandments, etc. are indescribable. A certain and profound joy comes into my life when I am intentionally living the gospel of Jesus Christ.



I could listen to mindfulness and meditation tracks all day if I could (they really have changed my life.) However, I need to make sure that I am also filling my mind with scriptures, doctrine, and taking time to by holy, not only peaceful.

These simple things help me be PRESENT. Today. Right now. This moment. God be thanked for the incredible gift of life, family, friends, and the things in this life that bring us joy and comfort.

What are you grateful for? Have you taken a minute out of your day to ponder about that, and send thanks to your Creator for what you are grateful for today? I promise it will increase the quality of your day as well as increase contentment in your current situation.

Decisions.. Decisions

Decisions. What was the emotional response you got from reading that word? Sweaty palms, increased heart rate, excitement, empowerment, or just another thing to put on your to-do list?

If you are like me, when I was 20-21, I felt bombarded with people telling me that I was now in the "DECADE OF DECISIONS." Within the next ten years, I was going to make significant decisions that will in turn make an impact on the rest of my life. Where I study, WHAT I study, who I marry, when to start having kids/how many to have, where to live, career path, etc.

There were days that I didn't trust myself in making such big decisions! If these decisions truly are going to shape my life's course, I am NOT ready to be responsible for such hefty and lasting consequences. I then thought.. God loves us SO much that He gave us free agency. He WANTS us to choose! I returned from my mission in March 2015, and registered for summer semester at UVU. At first, I hated it. It just didn't feel like a right fit for me and I made plans to go back to Dixie that fall and to room with some friends down there. After going on trips back to St. George and setting up arrangements on roommates, I felt like I could survive the summer. My institute teacher, Brother Monson, pulled me aside from class one day. He asked me what my plans were. I told him how I am not liking UVU and that I want to go back to Dixie. We had a nice talk about my expectations and what it was that I was looking for. I then expressed a fear I had that I don't know what my future holds. He then gave me profound advice. Life is like a stage. Most of the time we are in the spot light and we can see things clearly, however, at times of transition, we MUST step into the darkness and have the faith that the Lord will shine the light on you again as you progress. It is designed that we will never know what the future holds. If we could, why are we even here?

He then invited me to stay at UVU for the fall and be involved on Institute Council. I considered it. I went back to Bolivia for a week by myself shortly after that conversation and got to spend time in the mission home, gleaning wisdom from my mission president and his wife. I then decided to stay instead of 'chase happiness.' I immediately got involved in the leadership program on campus at UVU as well as Institute Council. And let me tell you... that was a great decision! I changed my major to find my career path and passion, met Luke Atticus Kennard, and had great leadership opportunities!

I am reminded of the most important (and BEST) decision that I made two years ago this week. The decision to marry Luke Atticus Kennard. Shortly after dating him, I would receive 'little' or 'daily' confirmations that he was the right man to marry. These were things that just made sense. My family noticed that whenever I came home after being with him or after talking on the phone, I was happier. They saw that Luke was independently happy and cherished me like a pearl of great price. We became fast friends and it truly just felt natural.

I look back on all those Young Women lessons of 'make a list of who you want your future husband to be.' I remember putting things like honors his priesthood, tall, ran track, loves music, loves family, will make me laugh everyday, handsome and so on and so on. Then my list became more refined as time moved forward. If you have a list like this, there are only two things you can do with it. 1.) THROW IT AWAY. 2.) Look at those traits, and make it things you need to work on YOURSELF. Yes, Luke fulfilled ALL my 'check list items', but that's not WHY I chose him. Should LOVE, marriage, family, and the rest of eternity depend on a check list?! I would certainly hope not because there is much more to that life changing decisions than items on a piece of paper.

 Things felt completely comfortable and progressed at a rate that I wasn't expecting to be perfectly honest. Whenever we talked about marriage, it just FELT right. However, we both wanted to have a firm foundation of a strong conviction that this was in fact the right decision. We both took this decision to prayer and fasting. My experience was that I was fasting all day, and didn't feel any strong particular feelings, but a certain peace and calm throughout my day. When I was closing my fast, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and ASSURANCE. However, I knew that this was still MY choice to make.

Here is how the day he proposed went:


 It was a Saturday, and I had work in the morning. I knew that Luke was taking my dad out to lunch while I was at work, but I thought it was a time for him to get to know my dad better. Luke had come to many family events up to this point, but never had one on one time with my dad. I have thought they were so similar since the day I met Luke, and thought this was just going to be a fun time to get together.

Although, I had that tinge of hope and wonder if this was 'the talk!' I came home from work and my mom decided that we should go get a manicure. (My mom knew things I didn't obviously!)

Little do I know, that Luke picked my dad up and immediately gave him a letter. My dad proceeded to read this written letter in Luke's passenger seat while Luke drove them to a Chilean Restaurant where they serve delicious empanadas. This letter explained his love and devotion to God and to me. He explained how deeply he felt for me and he would do everything in his power to provide for our family and protect me. The first words said after were my dad asking, "So, when are you doing to ask her?"

My dad came home from this meaningful lunch, and I was in the kitchen. I got excited and asked him how it went. He non-nonchalantly said that it was fun, they ate empanadas, talked about high school sports and hobbies. He then told me that he thinks Luke likes me and he is a good guy and he walked out of the room! I couldn't believe it! I actually thought this was going to be 'it' but I guess my first instinct of them just going to have a good time was right! I was amazed.

Little did I know that my dad told my mom everything and showed her the letter. She IMMEDIATELY texted Luke and said that he should propose that evening! Now, of course we were in love, but we were planning on waiting a couple more months to get engaged and possibly get married in August. We hadn't gone ring shopping or thought about anything like that quite yet.

Well, that evening we planned to be ushers in the Provo City Center Temple Open House for the last night before the dedication. It was so fun to be there to greet so many different families.

 We weren't together the entire night since there were rotations within the ushers, but it was a great experience! Once the open house closed (around 10:30 p.m.) we were invited to take our time and walk around the temple one last time before they close the doors for cleaning and the dedication. At this point, I was not with Luke, we got separated. I remember thinking, this would have been such a cool experience to do together, but without my phone, I don't know if we will find each other. So I started going up the stairs to walk around by myself. At this time, I was approached by a woman who was coordinating the event, and she curiously asked how I felt about blind dates. I thought she meant in general, and since Luke and I initially met on a blind date, I told her how I LOVE them and I think  they are amazing! She got this glitter and gleam about her and said, really? Because I just received revelation that I need to set you up with my son! At this point of the conversation I was so confused because the majority of the night I was with Luke and I knew she knew I came here with my boyfriend.

 I remember questioning... am I ready to commit to Luke? Am I ready to close doors to 'opportunities' to meet new guys? *Open invitation for FEAR, DOUBT, and all of Satan's favorite feelings.*  I was walking up the stairs with this in my heart and I was confused. I walked through the brides room, and there was Luke! He hugged me and seemed so calm. We went to the chapel and sat there for a while. He could see  something was on my mind, but I just said that I was feeling EVERYTHING, because that was the truth. I then had this feeling that what I have and what I know now is ENOUGH. We were the last people to walk up the stairs to go to the celestial and sealing rooms. We were walking to the celestial room and I was in AWE and amazement and the beauty and the serene feeling that comes from that room. He then stalled, as the last group was going down the stairs and it was just us on that top floor. He took me to the sealing room and stopped in front of the sign that said "The Sealing Room, where a man, woman and their family can be sealed for time and all eternity." He then grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I talked with your dad today." My heart SKIPPED a beat. We then walked into the sealing room and I was in front of him, looking up at that incredible chandelier, when I felt him stop. I turned around and there he was, down on one knee, shaking, holding a key ring off of his key chain, and said, "Janessa Furness. Will you marry me?" My thoughts were racing, my heart was pounding, and I just couldn't believe that THIS. WAS, IT. This was the night of all nights. This was actually happening. After breathing out an excited yes, I knelt down right beside him.

In that moment, I remember offering a prayer of gratitude and a plea for help. Luke and I prayed that we have made this decision together, and to please BLESS this decision to make it the best decision we have ever made. Help us to stay humble and always seeks His counsel. After praying, I remember being filled with excitement and peace! We danced for a little bit and I knew that we had a happy future ahead of us.

From Luke's perspective, after coming home from lunch with my dad, he received a text from my mom stating that he should propose that night! He kind of laughed and thought, I hadn't even thought of proposing tonight! I don't have a ring and I have no idea how I would do it. He then prayed about it and before leaving for the open house, he saw his key ring. He then talked with God and said, well, if the opportunity arises, I guess I could propose with this ring. He had NO idea what he was going to do or when. That's what I like to call a man of faith. ;)

Walking out of the temple, we looked at one another, and said "WE ARE ENGAGED.... AN NO ONE KNOWS!!!!" Who should we tell first? At this point it was close to midnight.

I bring up the night of how we got engaged, because for me it was a pinnacle time for us. It was a time where we learned we are not puppets in God's hands. He wants us to MAKE decisions, be empowered with what we can do with our lives, and come to Him with our decisions and have him bless them.

I am so grateful for this journey and how it started with a ginormous leap of faith. As changes are made and we have encountered times of transition together, I have noticed that this life is all about FAITH. Luke is my closest friend and is truly the sunshine in my life.

So in short, if you are 'paralyzed' by a certain decision you need to make {job, where to live, who to date, to continue in the relationship you are in, what major to choose, where to study, when is a good time to start a family, internships, travel opportunities, etc.} know that I am rooting for you! You got this! And most of the time, there is not just ONE right choice! If you have a pile of acceptance letters in front of you and you are being a good boy or girl, the Lord WILL guide your footsteps. If you don't receive a clear answer immediately, HE TRUSTS YOU! Isn't that amazing?! And HE WILL bless that decision. He will never leave you.

Hard is Not BAD.. Hard is Just Hard

There have been many opportunities that my husband and I have had that have shifted my perspective on life. The two I would like to talk about today is working as interns in Mozambique for a summer together, and the journey of expecting our first son.

What do these experiences have in common? The majority of 'advice' or notions were fear based for BOTH. Ideas like... We can't go to Mozambique, that's dangerous! And then que the never ending game of "What if". What if we don't make it there safely? What is something terrible happens? What if it is not like you expect it to be? What if you get harmed while you are there? What if you don't come home? The terrible downward spiral of negativity literally paralyzed me on multiple occasions before actually stepping foot on Mother Africa once again.


The majority of thoughts or advice about pregnancy and starting a family were the same. FEAR based. What is going to happen to your marriage? Postpartum depression. Que ALL the terrible and horrific stories of painful and excruciating births. Scenes of women screaming in agony in the delivery room, yelling at her husband YOU DID THIS TO ME. And having people tell me that my body, my mind, and EVERYTHING about me will never be the same. EVER. AGAIN. (in the most negative way possible.)

Well, let me tell you one thing. I love the African continent. I went to Zambia for my first time when I was 18 years old. Upon coming home, I was a changed human being. I viewed life in a different light and I knew I needed to go back. Going back with my husband was one of the biggest dreams I had for my future. Our internship together as a married couple exploring Africa was one of the greatest things we have  done for our marriage.

 It was such a miraculous, soul stretching, refining, and incredible journey that we are excited to continue to travel and serve throughout the rest of our lives. We fell in LOVE with the people, culture, lessons of self-reliance, and exploration of this beautiful world that God created for us to enjoy! I specifically remember one night, I was reading a talk given my Pres. Uchtdorf in our kitchen, listening to the little feet of mice and rats on our roof, eating a bowl of cereal, when this phrase struck a deep chord within me that changed me forever. "Let us set aside our fears and live instead with joy, humility, hope, and a bold confidence that the Lord is with us." I stopped reading and was reminded that the only reason we weren't going to come on this awe-inspiring adventure was FEAR. That was it. I had a serious self-reflection that night as I pondered.... what would I miss out on if I allow FEAR to drive my life? What I have learned since that experience is that you get what you focus on and you will ALWAYS find what you are looking for. If you are living in a state of negativity, pride, ignorance, and bias, you will continuously find the negative things of the world. BUT OH WHAT A SHAME. This world is FULL of beauty and wonder- to think you would miss out on all those opportunities. In our time in Mozambique, we made life-long friends, experienced a beautiful culture, learned extremely hard lessons that have refined our characters and our marriage, and walked away with a different perspective of life and a greater gratitude for family. While in Swaziland, we learned the importance of nature and seeking for the beauty in all things. We learned that peace is a luxury that we can experience on a daily basis. In South Africa we were humbled by learning their recent history, the importance of temple work, and having fun on the journey. I personally experienced a level of stress I hope to never experience again, but that is because I did not fully understand how to cope with the stress.

 I am currently a week shy of being 8 months along with our strong, healthy, and VERY active son, Atticus John. It is amazing. The only thing that I can compare it to is when I received my mission call to serve in Bolivia, Santa Cruz. I was immediately overcome with the feeling of YES. Of course! I love Bolivia. I love all the people there! The love and connection that I felt for a people I hadn't met yet was real and deep. This is how I feel about Atticus. Although I have not met him yet, I feel intimately connected to him and I love him, heart and soul. He has become an integral part of our family and we are so grateful for his development and how God has continually walked by our side, training us so we can become the parents he intends us to be. This has been the most empowering and positive experience I have thus gone through! I think how truly phenomenal the female body is. I think how PERFECT the plan of salvation is and that family is at the very core of the plan of happiness. I think of God and how he loved his Son and US so much.

Now, whenever I tell ANYONE that I in fact LOVE being pregnant, I get quizzical looks, the rolling of the eyes, or even a tinge of hatred of disgust. I get asked, oh so it has been quite easy for you, eh? HEAVENS NO. Throwing up every day for a few months, experiencing all the symptoms pregnancy offers and more... that doesn't sound EASY. But that is just it!! Why does something ENJOYABLE, even pleasurable, or something that we can feel the utmost gratitude for, have to come EASY to us?

If we but understood ONE concept in this life, imagine the level of our contentment throughout the daily struggles and blessings we encounter. Hard is not BAD... hard is just hard. If something is hard, that doesn't mean it should be avoided, dreaded, endured, or negative. Most of life isn't easy anyway... so why are we waiting to relax, celebrate, ENJOY when times are easy if the percentage of easy in our lives is rather LOW? Let us love TODAY. No matter what today offers. I LOVE Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin for MANY reasons. Whenever he spoke, I felt that he was so close to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I also loved watching his unique friendship with Pres. Thomas S. Monson. He said it best with, "Come what may.. and LOVE it!" What sound advice that truly makes a significant impact on ALL that we do!

Is it going to be hard? OF COURSE IT IS! Is it going to be worth it? Absolutely! If we ever keep our vision FIXED on the Savior and our families.