It has been a while!! I have made an intentional decision in my life to step away from social media for multiple reasons. Unfollowing people who I have found don’t uplift me and spending SO much less time on social media in general has been the best thing that I could have done for ME. I was thinking of deleting my accounts altogether when I got the impression that I needed to share some thoughts with the very few who actually read this kinda stuff. So if you’re reading this and it somehow impacts you in one way or another, I guess that’s why I am back here.
As some of you know I now nanny part time for this ADORABLE family’s. It honestly is such a blessing and privilege to work with them. They have a perfectly chunky new born, an active and ever creative 4 year old, and a determined and independent 7 year old. With my just barely 5 month old, it makes for some crazy days to say the least. All was going well until my lil guy was going through a growth spurt and waking up every two hours. Now looking back, the lack of sleep is what lead me to have a rocky few weeks. Since I work 8-10 hour days and wanted to be sure that both babies were fed, changed, happy or sleeping, and the 4 year old was being entertained by a game or building or creating something and feeding kids, I wouldn’t make time to eat throughout the day. So now that I am low on sleep and low on nutrition, I start to feel myself slipping.
As a Behavioral Science graduate and past employee of crisis centers, I have seen first hand the importance of mental health and what it looks like. I check in everyday to make sure I am okay. The stress of crying baby, and the chaos of the long days, I finally admitted I wasn’t okay. My husband said that he missed me. I missed our relationship. I became hostile and angry. Even though this was a two week span, it felt like forever.
My angel mother gave me the best advice out there and I guess this is why I am writing this for you. Whether you are needing it personally, or you know someone going through excessive stress. A mother, grad student, someone going through financial crisis, toxic work environment, etc. this all applies.
SNOWBALL
Sleep. Now if you were like me, with a baby going through a growth spurt and thinking HA! Good one, this is the most important. It took me being vulnerable enough to ASK FOR HELP from my wonderful neighbors to simply come over for a little bit, watch the other kids and maintain the crazy, while I take a nap during the day. {you know who you are and THANK YOU}
Nutrition. Eat. On the hard days- the goal is to eat ANYTHING. But it is important to fuel your body and mind to ensure optimal functioning. The difference of ensuring I eat every meal and have snacks as needed was such a GAME CHANGER.
Omega 3. Since I was going through a time that simply cooking seemed overwhelming I couldn’t commit to making salmon and other great fish throughout the week. So I am now taking Fish Oil supplements and it is great.
Walks. The simple act of getting outside and moving is AMAZING. I live in Utah and the leaves are changing getting ready for fall and it is BEAUTIFUL!
Baby Breaks. I genuinely love being a mother and I HAVE THE CUTEST LIL KID. I felt guilty for wanting a break because only those who don’t like being a mom need a break, right? WEONG! In order to be the best mother, I need to have a break. Going to the gym by myself at least 4 times a week, going out and about- and such, has been relieving.
Adult Time. Those with cute babies know that those babies become the center of attention, every conversation, and complete strangers will approach you and drool over the baby. I love that so many people love on this lil kid! I also noticed a since of my identity slipping ever so slightly and that scared me. Making sure I am having meaningful conversations and doing things I love, with friends and family, without the perfect baby in the middle is important. There should be a balance between the two. :)
Liquids. I know I know. When I had mastitis, or the flu, and exclusively breastfeeding, asking the doctor what I can take and they say ‘rest and lots of water.’ No, I don’t think you understand MY INSIDES WANT TO BE ON THE OUTSIDE. I am slowly dying. Water is not going to cut it. In all honesty though, for general health and getting the brain back to a healthy state, drinking enough water really does make a significant difference.
Laughter. Having a lil newborn for me was pretty stressful. The oxygen at home and having no idea what I was doing. Or recently taking a job of taking care of more children and just trying my very best and feeling like I fell short everyday, it wasn’t until out on a date with my husband, it was just us two, and i was laughing so hard. I said out loud- wow! I needed this. I can’t remmeber the last time I laughed this hard. LAUGHTER IS NECESSARY!! This is why I watch videos made by Tiffany Jenkins and have a husband I can laugh with everyday.
Now with all this said, I fully understand that people experience disorders that need medical and professional attention in order to progress. The brain is an organ and if there is a chemical imbalance, please seek the professional help necessary for you to live your best life with your loved ones! These are just simple steps to help but in no way cure or diagnose or anything if that sort.
MIND BODY SPIRIT.
They are all one. When in a deep darkness and feeling too busy or too stressed or too exhausted to feel the spirit, it is easy to feel like you are too far from god and not ‘worthy’ enough to feel the spirit.
Thursday, December 6, 2018
Monday, July 23, 2018
A Mother's Love
There is a common saying, "A Mother's Love" that floats around, but what does it really mean?
This weekend we went to a fun show that the whole family enjoyed. Our lil baby was so mesmerized by the lights and sounds that he was fixated on the people performing the entire time. It was absolutely adorable. Now rewind a few weeks ago to fourth of July. I chose not to go to the big long firework shows up close since we don't have those earmuffs for babies yet, so we chose to see them from our apartment in Traverse Mountain. When our lil one was born, he was given antibiotics via IV that can cause hearing loss. After a week, they did a test and his hearing was good. However, I was told to watch for signs and be cautious and we will need him screened again in the future.
After leaving this show, I was so worried that it was too loud and caused damage to his ears. The natural feelings of I was too selfish and I need to pay more attention to this sweet baby that God has trusted with me overcame me. That night I poured out my heart and soul in prayer. I know this circumstance may seem oh so insignificant, but God took the time to answer my prayers. I reflected on a time when I was 7 years old I had a tumor in my ear. Without going into detail and making light of sacred things, it was all taken care of without any hearing loss whatsoever which was absolutely astonishing to the doctors. I reflected on that day and pleaded that a miracle can happen with my son's ears. God has blessed me with mine and I know he could work a miracle. And then I realized, I would give up my hearing if that meant my son could live his life without suffering from MY mistakes IN. A. HEARTBEAT.
In that moment, that's when I realized what "A Mother's Love" actually means. It means I would do ANYTHING to have you be healthy and thriving. I would make any sacrifice necessary to provide for you and a life of comfort and opportunity.
So here's to all mothers out there. Those nights of worry and concern and fatigue and feelings of inadequacy and love seem to much to bear, God is ever mindful of you and you are doing a terrific job!
This weekend we went to a fun show that the whole family enjoyed. Our lil baby was so mesmerized by the lights and sounds that he was fixated on the people performing the entire time. It was absolutely adorable. Now rewind a few weeks ago to fourth of July. I chose not to go to the big long firework shows up close since we don't have those earmuffs for babies yet, so we chose to see them from our apartment in Traverse Mountain. When our lil one was born, he was given antibiotics via IV that can cause hearing loss. After a week, they did a test and his hearing was good. However, I was told to watch for signs and be cautious and we will need him screened again in the future.
After leaving this show, I was so worried that it was too loud and caused damage to his ears. The natural feelings of I was too selfish and I need to pay more attention to this sweet baby that God has trusted with me overcame me. That night I poured out my heart and soul in prayer. I know this circumstance may seem oh so insignificant, but God took the time to answer my prayers. I reflected on a time when I was 7 years old I had a tumor in my ear. Without going into detail and making light of sacred things, it was all taken care of without any hearing loss whatsoever which was absolutely astonishing to the doctors. I reflected on that day and pleaded that a miracle can happen with my son's ears. God has blessed me with mine and I know he could work a miracle. And then I realized, I would give up my hearing if that meant my son could live his life without suffering from MY mistakes IN. A. HEARTBEAT.
In that moment, that's when I realized what "A Mother's Love" actually means. It means I would do ANYTHING to have you be healthy and thriving. I would make any sacrifice necessary to provide for you and a life of comfort and opportunity.
Friday, June 22, 2018
EMBRACE why you're different and bless the world because of it!
Social media. Yes, it is a powerful tool to spread goodness to the whole world. www (WORLD WIDE WEB) is remarkable. Inspiring and uplifting messages are shared from one end of the world to another in a matter of seconds. Along with the good, comes the negative. I have noticed that my subconscious mind started comparing my life with others .
"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others---usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2011).
The more that I scroll, the more that I feel this heavy anxiety fill me. AND HERE IS THE THING! I would consciously tell myself that it is absolutely ridiculous to compare myself because these are picture perfect moments. HOWEVER. Our subconscious brain is heavily influenced by the images we see and the heavy weight was coming from a reaction to that. Even if we are fully educated on the effects of social media and have a perfect knowledge of the brain and it's systems, we STILL get influenced by it!
So today I say BE COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. Let us CELEBRATE our good efforts! Let us REJOICE in today. Really. Try this.... think about what you absolutely LOVE about your life. What comes to mind? Family? Friends? Food? Where you live? Your work? Hobbies? Pass times? Sights? Skills? Stores? Your attitude? Your laugh/smile/sense of humor? Your plans for the future?
Don't wait until you are on a glamorous vacation, have a good hair day, have a perfectly clean home...etc. Look at your life TODAY and see what you love about it. One of my greatest examples for optimism and pure positivity is Gordon B. Hinkley. Anyone who remembers him or had the chance to personally know him, understands his incredible level of happiness and JOY.
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey---delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
-Gordon B. Hinkley, 1984).
At first, that seems SHOCKING coming from such an optimist! Just lower your expectations and SETTLE? NO WAY!!!
But then I realize, that in what may seem like the mundane... THANK THE LORD FOR LETTING YOU HAVE THE RIDE. What a blessing this life truly is! So let us not wait until graduation, that job promotion, finally having a successful relationship, when kids come, when a home is bought, when those items on your bucket list are finally marked off. Let us celebrate and be grateful TODAY.
There are many that say they are JUST going to school and working. They are JUST stay at home moms. They are JUST starting their own business. THESE ARE INCREDIBLE! Yes, there are stresses in everyday, but look for what you love most about it and lean into your passion about what you do!
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We each have something beautiful about us that makes us unique. Talents, skills, passions, dreams, visions. Here on the world wide web, we see a lot of travel, fitness, self-care, photography, scrap booking, writing, acting, and holistic living experts making blogs and posting videos. It made me think ...... what is something that makes me unique and what is it that I have to offer?
Yes, I thoroughly enjoy traveling and deeply connecting with others around the globe. My time spent with my family in South American and African countries are cherished memories and I am looking forward to bringing my sweet son to places so near and dear to my heart. In our home, we are teaching him different languages, a sincere love for learning, and an open mind to other's views and lifestyles. {Granted, he is two months old.... 😊 ..... As we grows, I hope he absorbs}
Yes, I love fitness and self-care. Fitness is the way my brain and body just FEEL good and healthy. I have learned through experience that there is very little you can do without health. I am a strong advocate for moving your body everyday and progressing towards strength. Most importantly, it has NOTHING to do with the numbers on the scale, or HOW your body looks. It has EVERYTHING to do with how you feel! I HATE it when I hear comments like, "You look so good, you look so skinny!" "Have you lost weight? You look amazing!" It is so important to have a positive body image EVERY step of the way on the journey. A positive body image will greatly influence all those around you and build a steady confidence within you.
Self-care is SO important. Self-care looks different on different days. Sometimes it is taking a long, hot shower {I am thoroughly convinced long hot showers are SACRED. At another time, I may have to share my experience taking a hot shower in Swaziland. Let's just say it was a spiritual experience 😂} Sometimes it is sitting down, paying those bills, and making a spending plan (I HATE the word budget. For me it is like DIET. Sounds very restricting and I already feel guilty about spending money or eating a treat.) for next month to release the stress that has come from finances. Sometimes it is making time out of your week to study for that test you have been procrastinating. Sometimes it is completely UNPLUGGING for a day. Sometimes it is calling a family member you haven't connected with for a while. Sometimes it is going on a walk outside. Sometimes it is eating chocolate and watching a movie. Sometimes it is reading a book. Everyday is different and presents us with different needs.
However, I don't consider myself an expert in any of this topics, nor would I like to be since there are already so many of them out there.
So I come back to the basics. What is my nitch? What makes me want to create this space? What is it that I want to focus on as I share my innermost thoughts with the world wide web? (Such a vulnerable thought, am I right?)
Well, I named this blog 🌟 SHINE ON 🌟 for a reason. I want this to be a space of positivity, authenticity, and to invite optimism in our lives. I want this to show what I love most, which would be God and His son, Jesus Christ, and my family. This is the source of light in my life, and if I can share but a sliver of that light with others, I would feel this space was worthwhile. As I continue to learn, grow, and progress in my life, I strive to share all that is GOOD.
So I suppose this is a friendly reminder for the users of the world wide web. It is nice to take a break from the fake, but since we end up here for one reason or another, REMEMBER what positive traits and unique abilities YOU have to offer. We are all different by divine design! God made us different shapes, sizes, color, talents, passions, views, and with different desires for a reason. EMBRACE the reason that makes you individually unique and bless the world because of it!
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Living INTENTIONALLY
(Thank you to my new friend Meg Miles for inspiring this post.)
Giving birth is quite honestly the most incredible and all encompassing experience I have thus gone through! It has stretched me in all the good ways and I am endlessly grateful for the sacred privilege it has been.
I have seen myself slip in the important things and I realized I need to live life more intentionally! Here are some simple things I have found that have helped me take control over my happiness and the peace that is in my life!
Prayer
My sweet baby wakes up around 6:00 a.m. to eat, and after I feed him, I generally go back to sleep grudgingly that I *felt* like I was up all night. However, TODAY I decided to put him back to sleep and get on my knees and start my day with prayer. It's not like I have stopped praying, but since my daily routine has felt out of wack, I haven't STARTED my day with prayer. Expressing my gratitude to my Father in Heaven, conversing with Him about everything that I am feeling and experiencing, and seeking His guidance and counsel for the day that is ahead of me helped lift my spirits and got me excited to face the day head on!
Positive Affirmations
While I was pregnant, my husband and I took a birthing class (which was AMAZING.) This class not only prepared me to labor unmedicated, but it introduced positive practices to do in our everyday life. One was positive affirmations. I would repeat positive affirmations about birth, my body, and my baby multiple times a day and have them posted around our apartment. I saw how powerful our minds are and that these positive affirmations were a game changer. So I decided to make positive affirmations for the stage of life I am in right now. I have them written down and posted around our apartment just like my positive affirmations preparing for birth. Mine today say, "I am confident and competent." There have been many times when handling with my baby's oxygen that I don't feel like I know what I am doing. However, I am his mom! I can do this! I have another that says, "I am loved and appreciated." Inviting the power of positivity in my life and mind space has been empowering.
Self Care
I then showered! This may not seem like a big deal, but what a blessing it is do be able to shower. (New moms... am I right?!) Warm water is healing to my soul.
After a simple shower, I cooked a quick and nutritious breakfast. Once again, something so small. But if you are like me and literally had Top Ramen for breakfast yesterday.....
you know what a difference this makes! Scrambled eggs with artisan bread. It takes a matter of minutes and my body and mind could feel a difference. (And while breastfeeding, it is SO important to get all the goods in for the goods to come out, right?)
Spiritually Fed
During this breakfast, reading a general conference talk was like feasting on spiritual food. I have put on general conference talks in the background of my day, but I hadn't sat down to truly study one for the past little bit. An invitation from our prophet says, "I exhort you to study the messages of this conference frequently- even repeatedly- during the next six months." -Pres. Russell M. Nelson April 2018.
Get Outside and Get Movin'!
I then had a window of 15 minutes that my husband could be with the baby before needing to get ready for work. I am 3 weeks postpartum, and though I feel great, I am waiting to get cleared from my doctor to exercise. So I went on a walk this morning. Now, once again, this may seem small. But since my little one is on oxygen, we only use his portable oxygen tanks for doctor's appointments, so I haven't been out and about much! (Or..... at all!) We live in a beautiful neighborhood in the mountains, and feeling the peace and calm that comes with a spring morning was stunning. The birds were chirping, the sun was rising, and it just felt good to be in awe at God's creations.
{No I did not take this photo. Yes this is off google. :) }
And that's it! I feel energized and rejuvenated on a whole new level!
What things do YOU enjoy doing to invite positivity and gratitude in your life?
Thursday, May 10, 2018
Mother's Day
Mother's Day
{I had a feeling I could not deny that I needed to write, however, my thoughts are so jumbled and seemingly not connected whatsoever.}
I find it difficult to muster all the beautiful and sacred emotions I am feeling along with postpartum hormones. This truly has been such an amazing two weeks and for the first time in a while, I am at a loss of words to adequately express how I feel. Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of love I feel for my sweet newborn son.
I don't want this post to turn into my son's birth story for a variety of reasons. I am totally and completely passionate about birth and pregnancy and motherhood- I just haven't found a way to best express our experience. Since my previous posts were so much about my pregnancy, and I have had so many ask, here is a little bit about how the birth went.
I am grateful I experienced ALL kinds of birth on his birthday. I was medically induced due to having an 'unfavorable cervix' and a less than optimal heart rate for our baby a couple days after my 41 week mark. I then labored for 11 hours unmedicated which was the most empowering and incredible experience! I absolutely LOVED labor. My husband's counter pressure, the jacuzzi in the hospital, my birthing ball, and encouraging words from my nurse made my experience magical. It was not painful, it was very BIG and powerful. After pushing for two hours, Atticus' heart rate dropped and it was quickly decided to have an emergency c-section to get him here safely. I won't go into details for any part of this journey here at this time, but if you have ANY questions about Pitocin, going unmedicated (without any medicine to administer pain relief.. which was honestly incredible!!) or c-section, I am here to offer what I have experienced and learned along the way.
We all like having answers. My sweet baby is still on oxygen and we all would like to know why. The nurses say it was because his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he is still recovering from the trauma of both going through labor and a c-section. However, my doctor said about 25% of babies he delivers, the cord is wrapped around their necks, they are able to deliver vaginally, and do not need oxygen afterwards. They did every test and lab you can think of in our time in the special care nursery (a small hospital's version of the NICU.) Everything came back looking completely normal. My doctor thinks it could have been a mix between my baby's fairly large head and my pelvis.
Either way- I have come to a peace of not knowing exactly why things are the way they are. Today, I would like to celebrate what we do know!
I know that being a mother has softened and stretched my heart. I know that our sweet son is a miracle and a blessing to have in our family. I know that the family is ordained of God and that through His plan, we can be together forever! I know that my gratitude and appreciation for my mother has grown beyond leaps and bounds. Motherhood truly is the most rewarding job I have ever had. Instead of working 40 hours a week, I now work 168 hours a week for the absolute best reason.
I would like to celebrate ALL women. Because Mother's Day is for ALL women. When Adam was in the Garden of Eden, he called the woman Eve because she was the mother of ALL living. But Eve was not a mom when he said that. She had never given birth nor taken care of a child before! For this cause, I know that ALL women are to be cherished and celebrated as we offer a unique and beautiful contributions to this world.
So here is a celebration and dedication to the women in my life who have positively influenced me and lifted me to become who I am today.
My mother. Mom is the first to celebrate my joys, grieve with me in my moments of sorrow, and offer to hang out with me for all the in-betweens. She has always been my number one support and cheerleader. In everything. From dance recitals, dating (yes, she was always VERY involved in my love life, even ask my husband ;) performances, stressful days at college, rejection letters, acceptance letters, etc. She always wanted to be sure opportunities were available to me. She was willing to work hard to offer me a full life. She is an incredibly compassionate and experienced nurse who has blessed so many different families. She truly is a warrior. She has faced many challenges with her health over the years like a champion and has never lost her spunk through it all. I love her and I honor her. Thank you mom for everything you continually do for me!
Friday, April 20, 2018
The Gift of Perspective
All a Matter of Perspective
I wanted to give a quick update on here!
First and foremost.
Our sweet Atticus may just grow to be an acrobatic gymnast! After we found out he was breech, we did all things medically and naturally to flip him, and he didn't budge! However, at my 39 week ultrasound, the lil dude flipped on his own and is now head down! HALLELUJAH.
I learned two lessons in this process. One: HE is in charge. We are doing things on HIS time table and the way the HE wants them to be done. Two: I hope to never pressure my children to do something when they don't feel ready or prepared to do so just because I think it is a good time. The natural thoughts of... COME ON. Only 3% of babies are breech at this point of pregnancy! Why can't you be like other babies? Kay.. really? How easy is it to think... COME ON. Everyone else in your pre-school class is speaking clearly and is writing their name, WHY NOT YOU. Everyone else is learning to read just fine. Everyone else can kick the soccer ball well. Everyone else has already lost a baby tooth! .....
and so on and so on. I want to guide and lead my children to find their passions, but not give them unnecessary pressure when they are simply not ready.
So! No more planning a c-section. Crazy to think that if he was still breech, we would have a week and a half old in our arms today. WHAT. I am so happy things have turned out the way they have.
So fast forward a couple of weeks, and Luke and I moved! We absolutely LOVE our new place. Luke offered a very special dedicatory prayer on our apartment and I truly feel this is our home and this is where Atticus will come and finally be a part of our family.
One evening I had a proper meltdown. The reality of EVERYTHING was sinking in. The reality that our relationship, which I cherish more than ANYTHING,will never quite be the same. The reality that my level of exhaustion and sleep deprivation will be more than I have ever known before. The reality of healing after the birth (and at this point, I don't know exactly what kind of birth it will be, but ALL include some kind of healing). The reality that I am going to be responsible for a child. I will need to know what to do at the right times (make sure he is breathing, eating, pooping, peeing, etc. normally.) All at once, I felt completely overwhelmed. While Luke tried to console my tears, at 11:30 p.m., he told me to get in the car. I was a little confused, but when he boldly makes a suggestion, I have learned to simply go along.
We drove about one minute away from our apartment to a BEAUTIFUL view of Utah County. There, we sat in silence, in awe, at the beauty of the scene before us. My tears started to calm down. I could feel just how concerned he was for me and my worried heart. He proceeded to eloquently tell me that God created the sun so that we could have light. However, he also inspired Thomas Edison to create the light bulb. Thanks for that inspiration, we have light even at the darkest time of the night. And it brings us beauty and joy! The same goes for our lives. We have been given resources to feel His light and joy, however, He has also given us the power to CREATE joy. We can feel light at our darkest moments in our lives through Him. We can create a wonderful life. Will it be hard? Of course it will be! Will we be tested beyond what we feel we are capable of doing? You bet! But we are going to be in it TOGETHER and we have God on our side.
*sigh* Literally.. how did I get such a wonderful man? He teaches me the simple truths of the gospel every single day and I love him immensely. He, in all honesty, is the sunshine of my life.
For the past week, I have tried EVERY SINGLE natural labor induction process you can think of. We have had a lot of fun with some of the things, and I felt confident I would make progress, seeing that I would love to go into labor on my own, to avoid unnecessary medical interventions possible!
This morning I emotionally prepared to have the membrane sweep just to help things move along without medication. I listened to relaxation tracks on the the way and Luke gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing of comfort. While he was giving me that blessing, the Spirit filled out apartment and I felt peace.
Well, here I am at 41 weeks and I just found out that my cervix is completely shut still! 0. Not even 0.5 dilated. Which means the membrane sweep wasn't even possible and that it was time to seriously talk about our next step. Our lil babies head has lowered significantly and is engaging, but no softening of the cervix. My first response was simply laughing. Like... REALLY? Really? Are you sure? And I felt completely OKAY with that outcome. No frustration. Now THAT is divine intervention at work. I know God helped me feel okay and be able to laugh in that moment.
Luke & I sat down with my INCREDIBLE doctor to talk about our options. He is kind and sensitive to my desires, he has decades of experience in this field, and he wants what is best for me and my baby. After deeply discussing pros and cons, the current situation of our baby and how he will continue to grow bigger and bigger, we scheduled an induction just before I hit my 42 week mark.
At first, this sounded completely awful. Pitocin creates HUGE, long, painful, and no break in between contractions that would make it nearly impossible to labor without an epidural. They are so big, it can cause distress on the baby. However, this option is FAR better than having him be in distress and my body not naturally progressing either.
We will just find out how his birthday turns out. But what I have learned is that NO MATTER WHAT it will be a sacred, positive, and joyous reunion with our son. It has already been such a wonderful and crazy journey!
And birth is but a small moment in the life of our sweet Atticus. He has a whole life ahead of him and I am looking forward to being his mother. Preparing for him has been such a joy!
I am thankful he is cozy in there so we have had the time to settle in and prepare for him just a little bit more. And my heart couldn't be happier to be able to fully nest. ;)
We decided to have an African Safari for his nursery. When Luke and I were preparing for our international internship in Africa, we wanted that experience to be a foundation stone of love and service for our family. We desire to have our children know and love different cultures and people from all around the globe and to deeply understand the importance of loving and serving their fellow brethren. While we were there in Africa, we felt the importance of family and received many answers about timing to start our own. :)
So in short, remember PERSPECTIVE. Remember that everything does in fact work out. And that God is on our side!
I wanted to give a quick update on here!
First and foremost.
Our sweet Atticus may just grow to be an acrobatic gymnast! After we found out he was breech, we did all things medically and naturally to flip him, and he didn't budge! However, at my 39 week ultrasound, the lil dude flipped on his own and is now head down! HALLELUJAH.
I learned two lessons in this process. One: HE is in charge. We are doing things on HIS time table and the way the HE wants them to be done. Two: I hope to never pressure my children to do something when they don't feel ready or prepared to do so just because I think it is a good time. The natural thoughts of... COME ON. Only 3% of babies are breech at this point of pregnancy! Why can't you be like other babies? Kay.. really? How easy is it to think... COME ON. Everyone else in your pre-school class is speaking clearly and is writing their name, WHY NOT YOU. Everyone else is learning to read just fine. Everyone else can kick the soccer ball well. Everyone else has already lost a baby tooth! .....
and so on and so on. I want to guide and lead my children to find their passions, but not give them unnecessary pressure when they are simply not ready.
So! No more planning a c-section. Crazy to think that if he was still breech, we would have a week and a half old in our arms today. WHAT. I am so happy things have turned out the way they have.
So fast forward a couple of weeks, and Luke and I moved! We absolutely LOVE our new place. Luke offered a very special dedicatory prayer on our apartment and I truly feel this is our home and this is where Atticus will come and finally be a part of our family.
One evening I had a proper meltdown. The reality of EVERYTHING was sinking in. The reality that our relationship, which I cherish more than ANYTHING,will never quite be the same. The reality that my level of exhaustion and sleep deprivation will be more than I have ever known before. The reality of healing after the birth (and at this point, I don't know exactly what kind of birth it will be, but ALL include some kind of healing). The reality that I am going to be responsible for a child. I will need to know what to do at the right times (make sure he is breathing, eating, pooping, peeing, etc. normally.) All at once, I felt completely overwhelmed. While Luke tried to console my tears, at 11:30 p.m., he told me to get in the car. I was a little confused, but when he boldly makes a suggestion, I have learned to simply go along.
We drove about one minute away from our apartment to a BEAUTIFUL view of Utah County. There, we sat in silence, in awe, at the beauty of the scene before us. My tears started to calm down. I could feel just how concerned he was for me and my worried heart. He proceeded to eloquently tell me that God created the sun so that we could have light. However, he also inspired Thomas Edison to create the light bulb. Thanks for that inspiration, we have light even at the darkest time of the night. And it brings us beauty and joy! The same goes for our lives. We have been given resources to feel His light and joy, however, He has also given us the power to CREATE joy. We can feel light at our darkest moments in our lives through Him. We can create a wonderful life. Will it be hard? Of course it will be! Will we be tested beyond what we feel we are capable of doing? You bet! But we are going to be in it TOGETHER and we have God on our side.
*sigh* Literally.. how did I get such a wonderful man? He teaches me the simple truths of the gospel every single day and I love him immensely. He, in all honesty, is the sunshine of my life.
For the past week, I have tried EVERY SINGLE natural labor induction process you can think of. We have had a lot of fun with some of the things, and I felt confident I would make progress, seeing that I would love to go into labor on my own, to avoid unnecessary medical interventions possible!
This morning I emotionally prepared to have the membrane sweep just to help things move along without medication. I listened to relaxation tracks on the the way and Luke gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing of comfort. While he was giving me that blessing, the Spirit filled out apartment and I felt peace.
Well, here I am at 41 weeks and I just found out that my cervix is completely shut still! 0. Not even 0.5 dilated. Which means the membrane sweep wasn't even possible and that it was time to seriously talk about our next step. Our lil babies head has lowered significantly and is engaging, but no softening of the cervix. My first response was simply laughing. Like... REALLY? Really? Are you sure? And I felt completely OKAY with that outcome. No frustration. Now THAT is divine intervention at work. I know God helped me feel okay and be able to laugh in that moment.
Luke & I sat down with my INCREDIBLE doctor to talk about our options. He is kind and sensitive to my desires, he has decades of experience in this field, and he wants what is best for me and my baby. After deeply discussing pros and cons, the current situation of our baby and how he will continue to grow bigger and bigger, we scheduled an induction just before I hit my 42 week mark.
At first, this sounded completely awful. Pitocin creates HUGE, long, painful, and no break in between contractions that would make it nearly impossible to labor without an epidural. They are so big, it can cause distress on the baby. However, this option is FAR better than having him be in distress and my body not naturally progressing either.
We will just find out how his birthday turns out. But what I have learned is that NO MATTER WHAT it will be a sacred, positive, and joyous reunion with our son. It has already been such a wonderful and crazy journey!
And birth is but a small moment in the life of our sweet Atticus. He has a whole life ahead of him and I am looking forward to being his mother. Preparing for him has been such a joy!
I am thankful he is cozy in there so we have had the time to settle in and prepare for him just a little bit more. And my heart couldn't be happier to be able to fully nest. ;)
We decided to have an African Safari for his nursery. When Luke and I were preparing for our international internship in Africa, we wanted that experience to be a foundation stone of love and service for our family. We desire to have our children know and love different cultures and people from all around the globe and to deeply understand the importance of loving and serving their fellow brethren. While we were there in Africa, we felt the importance of family and received many answers about timing to start our own. :)
So in short, remember PERSPECTIVE. Remember that everything does in fact work out. And that God is on our side!
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Plans Change
Oh how humbling is it when plans change.
My husband encouraged me to write TODAY while I am experiencing some hard emotions because this post invites authenticity as well as will help me cope and process. This is to show that when plans change, it CAN be okay. And if something is okay, that doesn't make it any easier. We don't need to slap a smile on our faces when going through trials and challenges, but to maintain a sense of hope and an internal joy that we have Christ, our Savior, with us. He knows us. He loves us. And we celebrate HIM this Easter season. Now, this is my journey. I know everyone's circumstance is different and unique. Some trials may seem 'harder' than others. However, I don't believe in comparing trials nor saying 'at least you have...' when someone is experiencing grief. So this is a little bit of how my last two days have gone.
{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}
I have enjoyed this pregnancy for SO many different reasons. While taking an empowering birthing class with my sweet husband, we have been excited and motivated to prepare for our son's birthday. We have learned how birth can be a positive experience and how beautiful it really is! Our whole perspective has changed and it has been AMAZING.
I have learned useful breathing techniques for every stage of labor, met with women who have given birth with peace and serenity (and some of these women gave birth to 10 pound babies, no medication, no tearing, no medical intervention). Learning from them, preparing my body/spirit/mind, doing pelvic floor exercises daily, practicing hypnosis and breathing exercises every day has been such an incredible journey. Something that this journey has taught me is to greet each change in my birth journey with optimism and confidence and that my baby and I will work together to have a healthy and safe outcome. I have learned the importance of loving and respecting my growing body. I have learned the power of our mind and the way we perceive pain and discomfort. I have learned the POWER from repeating positive and confident affirmations every single day! I have become a better version of myself throughout this pregnancy.
He has been in optimal birthing position this whole pregnancy. Of course he is a big healthy boy! My instructor, who has blessed our lives in so many different ways, had a peaceful unmedicated birth with her 10 pound son, let me know that we grow babies the same. We like those big healthy babies! (I was 9.5 pounds, my husband was 10 pounds. Right now, our son is in the 97th percentile for his head) My body created this baby, and my body knows exactly how to birth him gently. IT IS AMAZING. Our cervix and vagina dilate to the optimal size for our babies. And if we learn and train our minds to allow our pelvic floor to COMPLETELY relax, tearing doesn't have to be a normal thing.
It has been so fun preparing with my husband- he is going to be such an amazing birthing partner! He has learned these amazing techniques on how to relax and put pressure on certain points and muscles on my body during labor. He is faithful and motivated to be the best that he can be! We read together and practice together as we imagine what our lives are going to be like with a son. This has been such a beautiful bonding experience for us and I am SO grateful for him! We have worked together with my incredible doctor to create the optimal birthing situation. We toured the hospital and went to their room where they have unmedicated births. This is where they have the tub with candles in there, dim lights, birthing ball, and the comforts of creating a peaceful atmosphere. The nurses were so happy that we were planning an unmedicated birth since that has been proven to show the best benefits for mom and baby!
{Photo Credit: Ben Fuller @a.fuller.life.photography}
Then, things started to change. Yesterday, in our last ultra sound, we found out our baby completely flipped and is now breech. My doctor was extremely sensitive in talking about options since this whole pregnancy we have talked about how excited we were to go unmedicated and how beneficial that will be for the baby. My mind went through a whirlwind and I just felt like my world has been rocked. I am not fixated on having an unmedicated birth, I just want a healthy baby and I want to be healthy enough to care for him and bond with him. I have done extensive research and classes to learn the benefits.
First thing this morning, we went to labor and delivery and my wonderful doctor performed a ECV to attempt to flip him so I could deliver vaginally. It was quite an intense procedure! I am SO grateful I have been practicing breathing and relaxation, because that came VERY handy. He tried flipping him multiple times in different directions, however, my baby's little bum is quite cozy in my pelvis. He said that this procedure was larger than ANY contraction during labor and a c-section can't even compare to that procedure so that learning how to breathe through discomfort is crucial!
As we were weighing our options and discussing together, looking at the risks and benefits of both sides, I started to feel emotional. I really just want what is best for our son. I NEVER wanted to plan his birth date since I strongly believe that babies come when they are ready and we need to let labor happen on it's own. As humbling as it was, we are now scheduling a c-section. Two different sides of the spectrum. Planning for a serene birth, being completely alert and active during my birth to major surgery.
I have felt a lot of different emotions today. Sadness. Relief that our baby is still okay. Hopeful. Exhausted. Nervous.
I have been humbled to think of the reason we are celebrating this week. Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, MY Savior and Redeemer, knows what I am feeling and knows how to comfort me. I testify that Christ knows me. He knows you. Come to Him. He won't necessarily take away your trials- especially if He knows they will make you stronger. But he will be there for you, build your strength, help you become more compassionate, and comfort you.
God is good... ALL the time. Even when life takes unexpected turns, we can still feel peace and optimism.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Power of the Present
Have you ever experienced those small but significant feelings as if you just took a deep breath. That you allowed yourself a short minute to look around you and think to yourself, "God is good!"
Last night I was at the Maverik, standing by my car alone as it was filling up. The last three times I have done so at night, I have been approached by a homeless man, a man smoking, and another man asking me for money. Naturally, I was just aware of my surroundings. Last night, a man approached me while I was standing there waiting for my car to fill up. He asked if it was okay that he gets the garbage, he was an employee! He then said, "Do you mind me asking how far along you are?" Have you ever had that humbling feeling that you judged someone incorrectly? Man oh man. I thought, oh how nice! I told him that he could be here in just a few weeks! He genuinely expressed excitement for me and encouraged me to live in the moment. His youngest is now seven years old and he said how much he misses when she was a baby. He wished me well and we parted ways. I then thought, what am I doing to intentionally live TODAY and enjoy every moment that it offers?
I am so excited for General Conference! There are so many reasons that my heart rejoices for conference. I feel the power that millions of people from all over the world, in MANY different languages, are gathering together at the same time. I feel the power and the truth that comes from the guidance and counsel from our leaders. I feel empowered to PREPARE for conference, so I become more spiritually in tune so I can be in a place to RECEIVE His word. There are many joyous reunions as it feels like the world comes to Salt Lake City (naturally, mission reunions are fun), and with those that traveled from far to come to Salt Lake City. As I have been preparing for this great weekend, my husband and I attended the temple together yesterday. I wish words could describe the serene PEACE and JOY I felt while serving in His holy house. I never felt closer to Him, my son who we are so close to meeting, and my sweet husband. It was then that I realized that Christ is the greatest source of peace. I have made meditation and mindfulness a part of my daily routine for the past few months and it has been AMAZING. I have felt more calm, peaceful, and in tune with my body's instincts in preparation for birth. I then made the connection that those practices are good and beneficial for physical and mental health, however it is also CRUCIAL to recognize the Prince of PEACE if Jesus Christ. The benefits of reading scriptures, listening to general conference, serving others, praying, keeping the commandments, etc. are indescribable. A certain and profound joy comes into my life when I am intentionally living the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I could listen to mindfulness and meditation tracks all day if I could (they really have changed my life.) However, I need to make sure that I am also filling my mind with scriptures, doctrine, and taking time to by holy, not only peaceful.
These simple things help me be PRESENT. Today. Right now. This moment. God be thanked for the incredible gift of life, family, friends, and the things in this life that bring us joy and comfort.
What are you grateful for? Have you taken a minute out of your day to ponder about that, and send thanks to your Creator for what you are grateful for today? I promise it will increase the quality of your day as well as increase contentment in your current situation.
Last night I was at the Maverik, standing by my car alone as it was filling up. The last three times I have done so at night, I have been approached by a homeless man, a man smoking, and another man asking me for money. Naturally, I was just aware of my surroundings. Last night, a man approached me while I was standing there waiting for my car to fill up. He asked if it was okay that he gets the garbage, he was an employee! He then said, "Do you mind me asking how far along you are?" Have you ever had that humbling feeling that you judged someone incorrectly? Man oh man. I thought, oh how nice! I told him that he could be here in just a few weeks! He genuinely expressed excitement for me and encouraged me to live in the moment. His youngest is now seven years old and he said how much he misses when she was a baby. He wished me well and we parted ways. I then thought, what am I doing to intentionally live TODAY and enjoy every moment that it offers?
I am so excited for General Conference! There are so many reasons that my heart rejoices for conference. I feel the power that millions of people from all over the world, in MANY different languages, are gathering together at the same time. I feel the power and the truth that comes from the guidance and counsel from our leaders. I feel empowered to PREPARE for conference, so I become more spiritually in tune so I can be in a place to RECEIVE His word. There are many joyous reunions as it feels like the world comes to Salt Lake City (naturally, mission reunions are fun), and with those that traveled from far to come to Salt Lake City. As I have been preparing for this great weekend, my husband and I attended the temple together yesterday. I wish words could describe the serene PEACE and JOY I felt while serving in His holy house. I never felt closer to Him, my son who we are so close to meeting, and my sweet husband. It was then that I realized that Christ is the greatest source of peace. I have made meditation and mindfulness a part of my daily routine for the past few months and it has been AMAZING. I have felt more calm, peaceful, and in tune with my body's instincts in preparation for birth. I then made the connection that those practices are good and beneficial for physical and mental health, however it is also CRUCIAL to recognize the Prince of PEACE if Jesus Christ. The benefits of reading scriptures, listening to general conference, serving others, praying, keeping the commandments, etc. are indescribable. A certain and profound joy comes into my life when I am intentionally living the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I could listen to mindfulness and meditation tracks all day if I could (they really have changed my life.) However, I need to make sure that I am also filling my mind with scriptures, doctrine, and taking time to by holy, not only peaceful.
These simple things help me be PRESENT. Today. Right now. This moment. God be thanked for the incredible gift of life, family, friends, and the things in this life that bring us joy and comfort.
What are you grateful for? Have you taken a minute out of your day to ponder about that, and send thanks to your Creator for what you are grateful for today? I promise it will increase the quality of your day as well as increase contentment in your current situation.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Decisions.. Decisions
Decisions. What was the emotional response you got from reading that word? Sweaty palms, increased heart rate, excitement, empowerment, or just another thing to put on your to-do list?
If you are like me, when I was 20-21, I felt bombarded with people telling me that I was now in the "DECADE OF DECISIONS." Within the next ten years, I was going to make significant decisions that will in turn make an impact on the rest of my life. Where I study, WHAT I study, who I marry, when to start having kids/how many to have, where to live, career path, etc.
There were days that I didn't trust myself in making such big decisions! If these decisions truly are going to shape my life's course, I am NOT ready to be responsible for such hefty and lasting consequences. I then thought.. God loves us SO much that He gave us free agency. He WANTS us to choose! I returned from my mission in March 2015, and registered for summer semester at UVU. At first, I hated it. It just didn't feel like a right fit for me and I made plans to go back to Dixie that fall and to room with some friends down there. After going on trips back to St. George and setting up arrangements on roommates, I felt like I could survive the summer. My institute teacher, Brother Monson, pulled me aside from class one day. He asked me what my plans were. I told him how I am not liking UVU and that I want to go back to Dixie. We had a nice talk about my expectations and what it was that I was looking for. I then expressed a fear I had that I don't know what my future holds. He then gave me profound advice. Life is like a stage. Most of the time we are in the spot light and we can see things clearly, however, at times of transition, we MUST step into the darkness and have the faith that the Lord will shine the light on you again as you progress. It is designed that we will never know what the future holds. If we could, why are we even here?
He then invited me to stay at UVU for the fall and be involved on Institute Council. I considered it. I went back to Bolivia for a week by myself shortly after that conversation and got to spend time in the mission home, gleaning wisdom from my mission president and his wife. I then decided to stay instead of 'chase happiness.' I immediately got involved in the leadership program on campus at UVU as well as Institute Council. And let me tell you... that was a great decision! I changed my major to find my career path and passion, met Luke Atticus Kennard, and had great leadership opportunities!
I am reminded of the most important (and BEST) decision that I made two years ago this week. The decision to marry Luke Atticus Kennard. Shortly after dating him, I would receive 'little' or 'daily' confirmations that he was the right man to marry. These were things that just made sense. My family noticed that whenever I came home after being with him or after talking on the phone, I was happier. They saw that Luke was independently happy and cherished me like a pearl of great price. We became fast friends and it truly just felt natural.
I look back on all those Young Women lessons of 'make a list of who you want your future husband to be.' I remember putting things like honors his priesthood, tall, ran track, loves music, loves family, will make me laugh everyday, handsome and so on and so on. Then my list became more refined as time moved forward. If you have a list like this, there are only two things you can do with it. 1.) THROW IT AWAY. 2.) Look at those traits, and make it things you need to work on YOURSELF. Yes, Luke fulfilled ALL my 'check list items', but that's not WHY I chose him. Should LOVE, marriage, family, and the rest of eternity depend on a check list?! I would certainly hope not because there is much more to that life changing decisions than items on a piece of paper.
Things felt completely comfortable and progressed at a rate that I wasn't expecting to be perfectly honest. Whenever we talked about marriage, it just FELT right. However, we both wanted to have a firm foundation of a strong conviction that this was in fact the right decision. We both took this decision to prayer and fasting. My experience was that I was fasting all day, and didn't feel any strong particular feelings, but a certain peace and calm throughout my day. When I was closing my fast, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and ASSURANCE. However, I knew that this was still MY choice to make.
Here is how the day he proposed went:
It was a Saturday, and I had work in the morning. I knew that Luke was taking my dad out to lunch while I was at work, but I thought it was a time for him to get to know my dad better. Luke had come to many family events up to this point, but never had one on one time with my dad. I have thought they were so similar since the day I met Luke, and thought this was just going to be a fun time to get together.
Although, I had that tinge of hope and wonder if this was 'the talk!' I came home from work and my mom decided that we should go get a manicure. (My mom knew things I didn't obviously!)
Little do I know, that Luke picked my dad up and immediately gave him a letter. My dad proceeded to read this written letter in Luke's passenger seat while Luke drove them to a Chilean Restaurant where they serve delicious empanadas. This letter explained his love and devotion to God and to me. He explained how deeply he felt for me and he would do everything in his power to provide for our family and protect me. The first words said after were my dad asking, "So, when are you doing to ask her?"
My dad came home from this meaningful lunch, and I was in the kitchen. I got excited and asked him how it went. He non-nonchalantly said that it was fun, they ate empanadas, talked about high school sports and hobbies. He then told me that he thinks Luke likes me and he is a good guy and he walked out of the room! I couldn't believe it! I actually thought this was going to be 'it' but I guess my first instinct of them just going to have a good time was right! I was amazed.
Little did I know that my dad told my mom everything and showed her the letter. She IMMEDIATELY texted Luke and said that he should propose that evening! Now, of course we were in love, but we were planning on waiting a couple more months to get engaged and possibly get married in August. We hadn't gone ring shopping or thought about anything like that quite yet.
Well, that evening we planned to be ushers in the Provo City Center Temple Open House for the last night before the dedication. It was so fun to be there to greet so many different families.
We weren't together the entire night since there were rotations within the ushers, but it was a great experience! Once the open house closed (around 10:30 p.m.) we were invited to take our time and walk around the temple one last time before they close the doors for cleaning and the dedication. At this point, I was not with Luke, we got separated. I remember thinking, this would have been such a cool experience to do together, but without my phone, I don't know if we will find each other. So I started going up the stairs to walk around by myself. At this time, I was approached by a woman who was coordinating the event, and she curiously asked how I felt about blind dates. I thought she meant in general, and since Luke and I initially met on a blind date, I told her how I LOVE them and I think they are amazing! She got this glitter and gleam about her and said, really? Because I just received revelation that I need to set you up with my son! At this point of the conversation I was so confused because the majority of the night I was with Luke and I knew she knew I came here with my boyfriend.
I remember questioning... am I ready to commit to Luke? Am I ready to close doors to 'opportunities' to meet new guys? *Open invitation for FEAR, DOUBT, and all of Satan's favorite feelings.* I was walking up the stairs with this in my heart and I was confused. I walked through the brides room, and there was Luke! He hugged me and seemed so calm. We went to the chapel and sat there for a while. He could see something was on my mind, but I just said that I was feeling EVERYTHING, because that was the truth. I then had this feeling that what I have and what I know now is ENOUGH. We were the last people to walk up the stairs to go to the celestial and sealing rooms. We were walking to the celestial room and I was in AWE and amazement and the beauty and the serene feeling that comes from that room. He then stalled, as the last group was going down the stairs and it was just us on that top floor. He took me to the sealing room and stopped in front of the sign that said "The Sealing Room, where a man, woman and their family can be sealed for time and all eternity." He then grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I talked with your dad today." My heart SKIPPED a beat. We then walked into the sealing room and I was in front of him, looking up at that incredible chandelier, when I felt him stop. I turned around and there he was, down on one knee, shaking, holding a key ring off of his key chain, and said, "Janessa Furness. Will you marry me?" My thoughts were racing, my heart was pounding, and I just couldn't believe that THIS. WAS, IT. This was the night of all nights. This was actually happening. After breathing out an excited yes, I knelt down right beside him.
In that moment, I remember offering a prayer of gratitude and a plea for help. Luke and I prayed that we have made this decision together, and to please BLESS this decision to make it the best decision we have ever made. Help us to stay humble and always seeks His counsel. After praying, I remember being filled with excitement and peace! We danced for a little bit and I knew that we had a happy future ahead of us.
From Luke's perspective, after coming home from lunch with my dad, he received a text from my mom stating that he should propose that night! He kind of laughed and thought, I hadn't even thought of proposing tonight! I don't have a ring and I have no idea how I would do it. He then prayed about it and before leaving for the open house, he saw his key ring. He then talked with God and said, well, if the opportunity arises, I guess I could propose with this ring. He had NO idea what he was going to do or when. That's what I like to call a man of faith. ;)
Walking out of the temple, we looked at one another, and said "WE ARE ENGAGED.... AN NO ONE KNOWS!!!!" Who should we tell first? At this point it was close to midnight.
I bring up the night of how we got engaged, because for me it was a pinnacle time for us. It was a time where we learned we are not puppets in God's hands. He wants us to MAKE decisions, be empowered with what we can do with our lives, and come to Him with our decisions and have him bless them.
I am so grateful for this journey and how it started with a ginormous leap of faith. As changes are made and we have encountered times of transition together, I have noticed that this life is all about FAITH. Luke is my closest friend and is truly the sunshine in my life.
So in short, if you are 'paralyzed' by a certain decision you need to make {job, where to live, who to date, to continue in the relationship you are in, what major to choose, where to study, when is a good time to start a family, internships, travel opportunities, etc.} know that I am rooting for you! You got this! And most of the time, there is not just ONE right choice! If you have a pile of acceptance letters in front of you and you are being a good boy or girl, the Lord WILL guide your footsteps. If you don't receive a clear answer immediately, HE TRUSTS YOU! Isn't that amazing?! And HE WILL bless that decision. He will never leave you.
If you are like me, when I was 20-21, I felt bombarded with people telling me that I was now in the "DECADE OF DECISIONS." Within the next ten years, I was going to make significant decisions that will in turn make an impact on the rest of my life. Where I study, WHAT I study, who I marry, when to start having kids/how many to have, where to live, career path, etc.
There were days that I didn't trust myself in making such big decisions! If these decisions truly are going to shape my life's course, I am NOT ready to be responsible for such hefty and lasting consequences. I then thought.. God loves us SO much that He gave us free agency. He WANTS us to choose! I returned from my mission in March 2015, and registered for summer semester at UVU. At first, I hated it. It just didn't feel like a right fit for me and I made plans to go back to Dixie that fall and to room with some friends down there. After going on trips back to St. George and setting up arrangements on roommates, I felt like I could survive the summer. My institute teacher, Brother Monson, pulled me aside from class one day. He asked me what my plans were. I told him how I am not liking UVU and that I want to go back to Dixie. We had a nice talk about my expectations and what it was that I was looking for. I then expressed a fear I had that I don't know what my future holds. He then gave me profound advice. Life is like a stage. Most of the time we are in the spot light and we can see things clearly, however, at times of transition, we MUST step into the darkness and have the faith that the Lord will shine the light on you again as you progress. It is designed that we will never know what the future holds. If we could, why are we even here?
He then invited me to stay at UVU for the fall and be involved on Institute Council. I considered it. I went back to Bolivia for a week by myself shortly after that conversation and got to spend time in the mission home, gleaning wisdom from my mission president and his wife. I then decided to stay instead of 'chase happiness.' I immediately got involved in the leadership program on campus at UVU as well as Institute Council. And let me tell you... that was a great decision! I changed my major to find my career path and passion, met Luke Atticus Kennard, and had great leadership opportunities!
I am reminded of the most important (and BEST) decision that I made two years ago this week. The decision to marry Luke Atticus Kennard. Shortly after dating him, I would receive 'little' or 'daily' confirmations that he was the right man to marry. These were things that just made sense. My family noticed that whenever I came home after being with him or after talking on the phone, I was happier. They saw that Luke was independently happy and cherished me like a pearl of great price. We became fast friends and it truly just felt natural.
I look back on all those Young Women lessons of 'make a list of who you want your future husband to be.' I remember putting things like honors his priesthood, tall, ran track, loves music, loves family, will make me laugh everyday, handsome and so on and so on. Then my list became more refined as time moved forward. If you have a list like this, there are only two things you can do with it. 1.) THROW IT AWAY. 2.) Look at those traits, and make it things you need to work on YOURSELF. Yes, Luke fulfilled ALL my 'check list items', but that's not WHY I chose him. Should LOVE, marriage, family, and the rest of eternity depend on a check list?! I would certainly hope not because there is much more to that life changing decisions than items on a piece of paper.
Things felt completely comfortable and progressed at a rate that I wasn't expecting to be perfectly honest. Whenever we talked about marriage, it just FELT right. However, we both wanted to have a firm foundation of a strong conviction that this was in fact the right decision. We both took this decision to prayer and fasting. My experience was that I was fasting all day, and didn't feel any strong particular feelings, but a certain peace and calm throughout my day. When I was closing my fast, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and ASSURANCE. However, I knew that this was still MY choice to make.
Here is how the day he proposed went:
It was a Saturday, and I had work in the morning. I knew that Luke was taking my dad out to lunch while I was at work, but I thought it was a time for him to get to know my dad better. Luke had come to many family events up to this point, but never had one on one time with my dad. I have thought they were so similar since the day I met Luke, and thought this was just going to be a fun time to get together.
Although, I had that tinge of hope and wonder if this was 'the talk!' I came home from work and my mom decided that we should go get a manicure. (My mom knew things I didn't obviously!)
Little do I know, that Luke picked my dad up and immediately gave him a letter. My dad proceeded to read this written letter in Luke's passenger seat while Luke drove them to a Chilean Restaurant where they serve delicious empanadas. This letter explained his love and devotion to God and to me. He explained how deeply he felt for me and he would do everything in his power to provide for our family and protect me. The first words said after were my dad asking, "So, when are you doing to ask her?"
My dad came home from this meaningful lunch, and I was in the kitchen. I got excited and asked him how it went. He non-nonchalantly said that it was fun, they ate empanadas, talked about high school sports and hobbies. He then told me that he thinks Luke likes me and he is a good guy and he walked out of the room! I couldn't believe it! I actually thought this was going to be 'it' but I guess my first instinct of them just going to have a good time was right! I was amazed.
Little did I know that my dad told my mom everything and showed her the letter. She IMMEDIATELY texted Luke and said that he should propose that evening! Now, of course we were in love, but we were planning on waiting a couple more months to get engaged and possibly get married in August. We hadn't gone ring shopping or thought about anything like that quite yet.
Well, that evening we planned to be ushers in the Provo City Center Temple Open House for the last night before the dedication. It was so fun to be there to greet so many different families.
We weren't together the entire night since there were rotations within the ushers, but it was a great experience! Once the open house closed (around 10:30 p.m.) we were invited to take our time and walk around the temple one last time before they close the doors for cleaning and the dedication. At this point, I was not with Luke, we got separated. I remember thinking, this would have been such a cool experience to do together, but without my phone, I don't know if we will find each other. So I started going up the stairs to walk around by myself. At this time, I was approached by a woman who was coordinating the event, and she curiously asked how I felt about blind dates. I thought she meant in general, and since Luke and I initially met on a blind date, I told her how I LOVE them and I think they are amazing! She got this glitter and gleam about her and said, really? Because I just received revelation that I need to set you up with my son! At this point of the conversation I was so confused because the majority of the night I was with Luke and I knew she knew I came here with my boyfriend.
I remember questioning... am I ready to commit to Luke? Am I ready to close doors to 'opportunities' to meet new guys? *Open invitation for FEAR, DOUBT, and all of Satan's favorite feelings.* I was walking up the stairs with this in my heart and I was confused. I walked through the brides room, and there was Luke! He hugged me and seemed so calm. We went to the chapel and sat there for a while. He could see something was on my mind, but I just said that I was feeling EVERYTHING, because that was the truth. I then had this feeling that what I have and what I know now is ENOUGH. We were the last people to walk up the stairs to go to the celestial and sealing rooms. We were walking to the celestial room and I was in AWE and amazement and the beauty and the serene feeling that comes from that room. He then stalled, as the last group was going down the stairs and it was just us on that top floor. He took me to the sealing room and stopped in front of the sign that said "The Sealing Room, where a man, woman and their family can be sealed for time and all eternity." He then grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I talked with your dad today." My heart SKIPPED a beat. We then walked into the sealing room and I was in front of him, looking up at that incredible chandelier, when I felt him stop. I turned around and there he was, down on one knee, shaking, holding a key ring off of his key chain, and said, "Janessa Furness. Will you marry me?" My thoughts were racing, my heart was pounding, and I just couldn't believe that THIS. WAS, IT. This was the night of all nights. This was actually happening. After breathing out an excited yes, I knelt down right beside him.
In that moment, I remember offering a prayer of gratitude and a plea for help. Luke and I prayed that we have made this decision together, and to please BLESS this decision to make it the best decision we have ever made. Help us to stay humble and always seeks His counsel. After praying, I remember being filled with excitement and peace! We danced for a little bit and I knew that we had a happy future ahead of us.
From Luke's perspective, after coming home from lunch with my dad, he received a text from my mom stating that he should propose that night! He kind of laughed and thought, I hadn't even thought of proposing tonight! I don't have a ring and I have no idea how I would do it. He then prayed about it and before leaving for the open house, he saw his key ring. He then talked with God and said, well, if the opportunity arises, I guess I could propose with this ring. He had NO idea what he was going to do or when. That's what I like to call a man of faith. ;)
Walking out of the temple, we looked at one another, and said "WE ARE ENGAGED.... AN NO ONE KNOWS!!!!" Who should we tell first? At this point it was close to midnight.
I bring up the night of how we got engaged, because for me it was a pinnacle time for us. It was a time where we learned we are not puppets in God's hands. He wants us to MAKE decisions, be empowered with what we can do with our lives, and come to Him with our decisions and have him bless them.
I am so grateful for this journey and how it started with a ginormous leap of faith. As changes are made and we have encountered times of transition together, I have noticed that this life is all about FAITH. Luke is my closest friend and is truly the sunshine in my life.
So in short, if you are 'paralyzed' by a certain decision you need to make {job, where to live, who to date, to continue in the relationship you are in, what major to choose, where to study, when is a good time to start a family, internships, travel opportunities, etc.} know that I am rooting for you! You got this! And most of the time, there is not just ONE right choice! If you have a pile of acceptance letters in front of you and you are being a good boy or girl, the Lord WILL guide your footsteps. If you don't receive a clear answer immediately, HE TRUSTS YOU! Isn't that amazing?! And HE WILL bless that decision. He will never leave you.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Hard is Not BAD.. Hard is Just Hard
There have been many opportunities that my husband and I have had that have shifted my perspective on life. The two I would like to talk about today is working as interns in Mozambique for a summer together, and the journey of expecting our first son.
What do these experiences have in common? The majority of 'advice' or notions were fear based for BOTH. Ideas like... We can't go to Mozambique, that's dangerous! And then que the never ending game of "What if". What if we don't make it there safely? What is something terrible happens? What if it is not like you expect it to be? What if you get harmed while you are there? What if you don't come home? The terrible downward spiral of negativity literally paralyzed me on multiple occasions before actually stepping foot on Mother Africa once again.
The majority of thoughts or advice about pregnancy and starting a family were the same. FEAR based. What is going to happen to your marriage? Postpartum depression. Que ALL the terrible and horrific stories of painful and excruciating births. Scenes of women screaming in agony in the delivery room, yelling at her husband YOU DID THIS TO ME. And having people tell me that my body, my mind, and EVERYTHING about me will never be the same. EVER. AGAIN. (in the most negative way possible.)
Well, let me tell you one thing. I love the African continent. I went to Zambia for my first time when I was 18 years old. Upon coming home, I was a changed human being. I viewed life in a different light and I knew I needed to go back. Going back with my husband was one of the biggest dreams I had for my future. Our internship together as a married couple exploring Africa was one of the greatest things we have done for our marriage.
It was such a miraculous, soul stretching, refining, and incredible journey that we are excited to continue to travel and serve throughout the rest of our lives. We fell in LOVE with the people, culture, lessons of self-reliance, and exploration of this beautiful world that God created for us to enjoy! I specifically remember one night, I was reading a talk given my Pres. Uchtdorf in our kitchen, listening to the little feet of mice and rats on our roof, eating a bowl of cereal, when this phrase struck a deep chord within me that changed me forever. "Let us set aside our fears and live instead with joy, humility, hope, and a bold confidence that the Lord is with us." I stopped reading and was reminded that the only reason we weren't going to come on this awe-inspiring adventure was FEAR. That was it. I had a serious self-reflection that night as I pondered.... what would I miss out on if I allow FEAR to drive my life? What I have learned since that experience is that you get what you focus on and you will ALWAYS find what you are looking for. If you are living in a state of negativity, pride, ignorance, and bias, you will continuously find the negative things of the world. BUT OH WHAT A SHAME. This world is FULL of beauty and wonder- to think you would miss out on all those opportunities. In our time in Mozambique, we made life-long friends, experienced a beautiful culture, learned extremely hard lessons that have refined our characters and our marriage, and walked away with a different perspective of life and a greater gratitude for family. While in Swaziland, we learned the importance of nature and seeking for the beauty in all things. We learned that peace is a luxury that we can experience on a daily basis. In South Africa we were humbled by learning their recent history, the importance of temple work, and having fun on the journey. I personally experienced a level of stress I hope to never experience again, but that is because I did not fully understand how to cope with the stress.
I am currently a week shy of being 8 months along with our strong, healthy, and VERY active son, Atticus John. It is amazing. The only thing that I can compare it to is when I received my mission call to serve in Bolivia, Santa Cruz. I was immediately overcome with the feeling of YES. Of course! I love Bolivia. I love all the people there! The love and connection that I felt for a people I hadn't met yet was real and deep. This is how I feel about Atticus. Although I have not met him yet, I feel intimately connected to him and I love him, heart and soul. He has become an integral part of our family and we are so grateful for his development and how God has continually walked by our side, training us so we can become the parents he intends us to be. This has been the most empowering and positive experience I have thus gone through! I think how truly phenomenal the female body is. I think how PERFECT the plan of salvation is and that family is at the very core of the plan of happiness. I think of God and how he loved his Son and US so much.
Now, whenever I tell ANYONE that I in fact LOVE being pregnant, I get quizzical looks, the rolling of the eyes, or even a tinge of hatred of disgust. I get asked, oh so it has been quite easy for you, eh? HEAVENS NO. Throwing up every day for a few months, experiencing all the symptoms pregnancy offers and more... that doesn't sound EASY. But that is just it!! Why does something ENJOYABLE, even pleasurable, or something that we can feel the utmost gratitude for, have to come EASY to us?
If we but understood ONE concept in this life, imagine the level of our contentment throughout the daily struggles and blessings we encounter. Hard is not BAD... hard is just hard. If something is hard, that doesn't mean it should be avoided, dreaded, endured, or negative. Most of life isn't easy anyway... so why are we waiting to relax, celebrate, ENJOY when times are easy if the percentage of easy in our lives is rather LOW? Let us love TODAY. No matter what today offers. I LOVE Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin for MANY reasons. Whenever he spoke, I felt that he was so close to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I also loved watching his unique friendship with Pres. Thomas S. Monson. He said it best with, "Come what may.. and LOVE it!" What sound advice that truly makes a significant impact on ALL that we do!
Is it going to be hard? OF COURSE IT IS! Is it going to be worth it? Absolutely! If we ever keep our vision FIXED on the Savior and our families.
What do these experiences have in common? The majority of 'advice' or notions were fear based for BOTH. Ideas like... We can't go to Mozambique, that's dangerous! And then que the never ending game of "What if". What if we don't make it there safely? What is something terrible happens? What if it is not like you expect it to be? What if you get harmed while you are there? What if you don't come home? The terrible downward spiral of negativity literally paralyzed me on multiple occasions before actually stepping foot on Mother Africa once again.
The majority of thoughts or advice about pregnancy and starting a family were the same. FEAR based. What is going to happen to your marriage? Postpartum depression. Que ALL the terrible and horrific stories of painful and excruciating births. Scenes of women screaming in agony in the delivery room, yelling at her husband YOU DID THIS TO ME. And having people tell me that my body, my mind, and EVERYTHING about me will never be the same. EVER. AGAIN. (in the most negative way possible.)
Well, let me tell you one thing. I love the African continent. I went to Zambia for my first time when I was 18 years old. Upon coming home, I was a changed human being. I viewed life in a different light and I knew I needed to go back. Going back with my husband was one of the biggest dreams I had for my future. Our internship together as a married couple exploring Africa was one of the greatest things we have done for our marriage.
It was such a miraculous, soul stretching, refining, and incredible journey that we are excited to continue to travel and serve throughout the rest of our lives. We fell in LOVE with the people, culture, lessons of self-reliance, and exploration of this beautiful world that God created for us to enjoy! I specifically remember one night, I was reading a talk given my Pres. Uchtdorf in our kitchen, listening to the little feet of mice and rats on our roof, eating a bowl of cereal, when this phrase struck a deep chord within me that changed me forever. "Let us set aside our fears and live instead with joy, humility, hope, and a bold confidence that the Lord is with us." I stopped reading and was reminded that the only reason we weren't going to come on this awe-inspiring adventure was FEAR. That was it. I had a serious self-reflection that night as I pondered.... what would I miss out on if I allow FEAR to drive my life? What I have learned since that experience is that you get what you focus on and you will ALWAYS find what you are looking for. If you are living in a state of negativity, pride, ignorance, and bias, you will continuously find the negative things of the world. BUT OH WHAT A SHAME. This world is FULL of beauty and wonder- to think you would miss out on all those opportunities. In our time in Mozambique, we made life-long friends, experienced a beautiful culture, learned extremely hard lessons that have refined our characters and our marriage, and walked away with a different perspective of life and a greater gratitude for family. While in Swaziland, we learned the importance of nature and seeking for the beauty in all things. We learned that peace is a luxury that we can experience on a daily basis. In South Africa we were humbled by learning their recent history, the importance of temple work, and having fun on the journey. I personally experienced a level of stress I hope to never experience again, but that is because I did not fully understand how to cope with the stress.
I am currently a week shy of being 8 months along with our strong, healthy, and VERY active son, Atticus John. It is amazing. The only thing that I can compare it to is when I received my mission call to serve in Bolivia, Santa Cruz. I was immediately overcome with the feeling of YES. Of course! I love Bolivia. I love all the people there! The love and connection that I felt for a people I hadn't met yet was real and deep. This is how I feel about Atticus. Although I have not met him yet, I feel intimately connected to him and I love him, heart and soul. He has become an integral part of our family and we are so grateful for his development and how God has continually walked by our side, training us so we can become the parents he intends us to be. This has been the most empowering and positive experience I have thus gone through! I think how truly phenomenal the female body is. I think how PERFECT the plan of salvation is and that family is at the very core of the plan of happiness. I think of God and how he loved his Son and US so much.
Now, whenever I tell ANYONE that I in fact LOVE being pregnant, I get quizzical looks, the rolling of the eyes, or even a tinge of hatred of disgust. I get asked, oh so it has been quite easy for you, eh? HEAVENS NO. Throwing up every day for a few months, experiencing all the symptoms pregnancy offers and more... that doesn't sound EASY. But that is just it!! Why does something ENJOYABLE, even pleasurable, or something that we can feel the utmost gratitude for, have to come EASY to us?
If we but understood ONE concept in this life, imagine the level of our contentment throughout the daily struggles and blessings we encounter. Hard is not BAD... hard is just hard. If something is hard, that doesn't mean it should be avoided, dreaded, endured, or negative. Most of life isn't easy anyway... so why are we waiting to relax, celebrate, ENJOY when times are easy if the percentage of easy in our lives is rather LOW? Let us love TODAY. No matter what today offers. I LOVE Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin for MANY reasons. Whenever he spoke, I felt that he was so close to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I also loved watching his unique friendship with Pres. Thomas S. Monson. He said it best with, "Come what may.. and LOVE it!" What sound advice that truly makes a significant impact on ALL that we do!
Is it going to be hard? OF COURSE IT IS! Is it going to be worth it? Absolutely! If we ever keep our vision FIXED on the Savior and our families.
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